Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Gratitude Is a Choice

Gratitude Is a Choice

To really experience His peace, we must come to Him with thankful hearts.

by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Matthew Henry, the eighteenth-century Puritan preacher whose Bible commentary remains among the most popular of all time, was once accosted by robbers while living in London.

Perhaps you’ve experienced this yourself—whether by having your car broken into or coming home to discover that your house had been burglarized. It’s among the most unsettling things that can happen to a person. I’m sure it was, as well, for a quiet, thoughtful man of letters like Matthew Henry.

Let me be thankful, first, because I was never robbed before; second, because although they took my purse, they did not take my life; third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth, because it was I who was robbed, not I who robbed.

What a perspective! As someone has said, “If you can’t be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape.”

Gratitude is the pure, appropriate response to the saving and keeping grace of God. Its opposite is ingratitude, and it can be deceptively dangerous in our lives and relationships. In the ongoing struggle of daily life—out there where feelings of disappointment and entitlement can easily talk louder than our best intentions—why choose gratitude over ingratitude?

For starters, here are three good reasons. Personalizing and internalizing these alone should be sufficient to continually outweigh whatever tempts us to whine when we should be worshiping.

1. Gratitude is a matter of obedience. Oh, how I wish it was enough for you and for me to do something just because God has told us to—not because it would give us whiter teeth and fresher breath, or improve our debt-to-income ratio, or improve our dysfunctional relationships. No. Just because He says so. 

Like being grateful, for instance.

“Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving,” the psalmist wrote, “and perform your vows to the Most High” (Psalm 50:14). “Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples” (105:1). The Psalms are filled with exhortations to “thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man” (107:8). The “attitude of gratitude” is a clear command and expectation of God.

This theme runs through the entire book of Colossians. In the course of just a few pages, the apostle exhorts believers about being “always” thankful (1:3), “abounding in thanksgiving” (2:7), devoting themselves to prayer, “being watchful in it with thanksgiving” (4:2). Then, as if summing up this whole idea, Paul seals it with one comprehensive, all-inclusive exclamation point: “Whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (3:17).

If you’re sitting down to dinner, be thankful.

If you’re getting up to go to bed, be thankful.

If you’re coming out from under a two-week cold and cough, if you’re paying bills, if you’re cleaning up after overnight company, if you’re driving to work, if you’re changing a lightbulb, if you’re worshiping in a church service, if you’re visiting a friend in the hospital, if you’re picking up kids from school or practice …

Be thankful. God has commanded it—for our good and for His glory.

2. Gratitude draws us close. God’s command to be thankful is not the threatening demand of a tyrant. Rather, it is the invitation of a lifetime—the opportunity to draw near to Him at any moment of the day.

Do you sometimes long for a greater sense of God’s nearness? When pressures intensify, when nighttime worries magnify in strength, when the days are simply piling up one after another, or when life simply feels dull and routine, do you crave the assurance of His presence?

The Scripture says that God inhabits the praises of His people (see Psalm 22:3 KJV). God lives in the place of praise. If we want to be where He is, we need to go to His address.

This is a recurring theme in the psalms: “Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise!” (Psalm 100:4). “Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving” (95:2). Thanks-giving ushers us into the very presence of God!

The tabernacle in the Old Testament was the place God set apart to meet with His people. In front of the entrance to the Holy of Holies—the sacred seat of God’s manifest presence—stood the altar of incense, where every morning and every evening the priest would offer up the sweet scents, representing the prayers and thanksgiving of God’s people who sought to draw near to Him.

Those ancient rituals were types and symbols of a relationship that we as New Testament believers can enjoy with God anytime, anyplace. Through His sacrifice on the cross, Christ has granted us access to the Father who dwells in us by His Spirit.

See what happens when you open your heart afresh to the Lord, moving beyond the normal, the canned, the almost obligatory phrases of praise and worship, where you truly begin to “magnify him with thanksgiving” (Psalm 69:30).

Yes, see if expressing gratitude to the Lord doesn’t “magnify” Him in your eyes, increasing your depth perception of this One who knows your name, counts the hairs on your head, and manifests His love for you with one blessing after another. See if the practice of intentional gratitude doesn’t transport you even nearer to Him—not just where your faith can believe it but where your heart can sense it.  Thanksgiving puts us in God’s living room. It paves the way to His presence.

3. Gratitude is a sure path to peace.

I know a lot of women who suffer from a noticeable deficiency of peace. I’m one of them sometimes. I’m not talking about a peace that equates to having a day with nothing on the calendar, plopping down on the sofa with a cup of hot tea and a good book. Not that this doesn’t sound inviting, but let’s be honest—that’s a rare occasion for most of us. The peace I’m talking about doesn’t require a mountain cabin or a getaway weekend. It can happen anywhere, even in the most hectic moments and places of your life.

But only because gratitude knows where to look for it.

If we were sitting across the table from each other, you could tell me what’s stealing your peace right now without having to think hard. You may be grieving a loss that never settles far from your conscious thoughts. You may be crying yourself to sleep at night over a situation with a son or daughter that is beyond your ability to control—a failing marriage, a little one undergoing diagnostic medical tests, perhaps open rebellion against God and against your parenting decisions. Maybe you’re facing some health issues of your own, or your income just isn’t meeting your monthly expenses, or your church is in turmoil over some hot-button issue.

We know that we can and should pray about these matters. But praying is not all that we can and should do. “Do not be anxious about anything,” the apostle Paul wrote, “but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

To put it even more simply: In every situation … prayer plus thanksgiving equals peace.

When prayer teams up with gratitude, when we open our eyes wide enough to see God’s mercies even in the midst of our pain, and when we exercise faith and give Him thanks even when we can’t see those mercies, He meets us with His indescribable peace. It’s a promise.

Oh, we can try it the other way. Without thanksgiving. In her book Breaking Free, author and Bible teacher Beth Moore describes the way most people live, by substituting the familiar phrases from Philippians 4:6-7 with their polar opposites:

Do not be calm about anything, but in everything, by dwelling on it constantly and feeling picked on by God, with thoughts like, “And this is the thanks I get,” present your aggravations to everyone you know but Him. And the acid in your stomach, which transcends all milk products, will cause you an ulcer, and the doctor bills will cause you a heart attack, and you will lose your mind.

Prayer is vital—but to really experience His peace, we must come to Him with gratitude. Hard gratitude. Costly gratitude. The kind that trusts that He is working for our good even in unpleasant circumstances … the kind that garrisons our troubled hearts and minds with His unexplainable peace. 

Are you facing one or more chaotic, unsettled situations? Is your soul weary from striving, stress, and strain? There is peace, my friend—God’s peace—waiting for you just beyond the doors of deliberate gratitude. But the only way to find it is to go there and see for yourself. God’s peace is one of the many blessings that live on the other side of gratitude.

Adapted from Choosing Gratitude, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Published by Moody Publishers, Chicago, Ill. Copyright © 2009 Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Used with permission.




IF YOU WANT A BIGGER BLESSING DIG A BIGGER DITCH

II KINGS 3:9-20

Sermon copied from the following link:

Sunday Morning Sermon July 5, 1970

"Make the Valley Full of Ditches"

By Dr. Jack Hyles

"And he said, Thus saith the Lord, Make this valley full of ditches." II Kings 3:16.


I think you'll want to listen to the sermon because the story itself is a very interesting one. So let me have your mind completely for five minutes at least.


Three kings with three armies are gathered together against Moab to battle. This is no problem. Moab will offer no important resistance to these three kings. Except difficulty arises and the kings are thwarted by one simple problem. That is, there was no water. God withheld His rain, and the wisdom and efforts of kings were set at naught once again. God reminds us, that after all, we are dependant upon Him. So, these kings find their forces stopped, and their progress stopped. They find the battle being staid because they have no water. Well, there was a Baptist preacher in the crowd. (The reason I know he was a Baptist preacher is because he wanted water.) The kings came, and they inquired of him. His name was Elijah. They had not given Elijah any attention thus far. He had just come along for the ride you may say. Now they contact the preacher; and Jehoshaphat, one of the three kings, asked, "Is there not here a prophet of      the Lord besides, that we might inquire of him?" (I Kings 22:7)


Now, this is a very sad thing. Why didn't the kings      inquire of the prophet of the Lord when they had water? Why do you have to wait until the famine comes, or the drought comes before you start asking the preacher's advice? Why is it that you have to turn to God when you are in trouble? These three kings should have asked the prophet of God a long time ago what to do. Now they face the battle against the Moabites, and they have no water. Though they be strong enough to win the battle, God does not provide water, and now suddenly they say, "We had better call a preacher; we had better call the preacher."


I recall one day when Diane Hammers came to my office. She had called and made an appointment. She came in and said, "Pastor, could I see you for a few minutes?" I said, "Why, of course you may." And as I almost always say, I said, "What is your problem?" Good night, what do you want to see the preacher for if you're not in trouble. Diane sat down and she said, "Pastor, I have made an appointment with you for one reason and one reason only. I have come to tell you that everything is all right, and that we have no problems. Everything is fine. I thought you'd like for someone to tell you sometimes that everything is fine." (Now, please. Let's don't have a rash of those this week. I don't want a thousand folks coming by the office this week saying everything's okay.) But, Diane just made an appointment. She came all the way from Highland, or Griffith, or Indianapolis, or wherever, and she just came by and said, "There is nothing wrong. Everything is fine. I'm happy. We're happy. I just wanted you to know that." And then she said, "I thank God for you." And then she went away.


Isn't it a sad thing we have to get in trouble before we turn to the Lord? One fellow was dying, or sick, and the doctor said, "I'm afraid you're going to have to call on the Lord." And he said, "Has it come to that? Has it come to that?" That means nobody else can help you. Call on the Lord.


In the Bible, God's greatest men had a sense of humor. The Bible has a lot of humor in it and one of the funniest stories follows.


Elijah, who said, "Call a little louder. Your god's probably gone hunting or fishing. He's pursuing or being pursued. Call a little louder." He had a sense of humor. Well, they came to Elijah, these three kings. These kings came and knocked on the door of Elijah, the prophet. Elijah had been neglected. Nobody had asked his advice about anything, and he was the man of God. Now the kings were in trouble, and they came—can you feature three kings knocking at the door of the Baptist preacher? To me, that's funny, but here is something funnier. Elijah came to the door and said, (this is, by the way, in Hebrew. You won't find this in the English.) "Hi, fellows. What do you need?" They said, "We want to talk to you." Elijah said, "I'm tied up right now." Three kings sitting out in the waiting room waited to see the preacher. The preacher was sitting there laughing, nothing to do, but he just wanted to keep them waiting for a while. No, what he really said was, "You kept me waiting, now you birds wait for a while." (That's in the Hebrew also, "you birds.") He said, "I'll keep you waiting for a while," and so they sat there. Then the kings came in, and Elijah said, "I'm not in the mood right now. I think I want to hear some music. You know any musicians that can come and play for me so that I can get in the mood to tell you?" Oh, boy. I like Elijah. God bless him.


You've heard me tell about the Mayor of Hammond calling our office and Mrs. O'Brien answering the phone. The Mayor said, "Is Jack there?" This is Joe." She said, "Jack who?" He said, "I want to talk to Jack; this is Joe." Mrs. O'Brien, to make a long story short, wouldn't let him talk to me until he asked for Brother Hyles – I mean, the Mayor. (That just tickled the fire out of me.) So finally, he asked for "Brother Hyles," and she let him, but she wouldn't let him talk to "Jack" because I don't care if it's the Mayor, or a garbage collector; it's not "Jack," it's "Brother Hyles."


So Elijah said, "I want some music. I'm not in the      mood right now." These three kings—I'm sure they were fuming and fussing and stewing and smoking. (Not the kind of smoking you do, but the other kind.) And angry—said, "Well, why can't he talk to us? We're kings. Now, let us talk to you. We want water." "If you want water, go ahead and get the water."


So they had to go back and get Elijah some musician to come back and play to him to get him in the mood. Then Elijah said, "Make this valley full of ditches." "Make this valley full of ditches? Why?" "Because water is going to come. You will not hear the wind; you will not see the rain, but God is going to give you water, the prophet said so. Make this valley full of ditches." I can just see the kings going back and lining up their men to start digging ditches and making the whole valley full of ditches. Now, here's the thought. "Make this valley full of ditches."


1. Prepare for the blessings of God. Get ready for the blessings of God. I'm convinced as much as I am that I'm standing behind this pulpit that one reason God does not do more for us is because we don't dig enough ditches for his blessings. We don't expect the blessings of God. We don't dig ditches until the rain begins to fall. We don't make the preparation until the rain is falling, and then it's too late. The ditches overflow.


God told the man of God, "Tell the kings to make the      valley full of ditches. Get ready for the water." And God sent the water.


Before the Nile River begins to rise, you'll see the Egyptian people preparing for the rise of the Nile River. A long time before that great river begins to lift out of its bank, you'll see Egyptian people doing several things. You'll see them deepening the channel. You'll see them enlarging the reservoir. They will make small canals and minor pools. From the river to the channel, to the reservoir, to the canals, to the minor pools, they prepare contributories. Why? Because they know the Nile is going to rise. They know at the time of rising, the great river will rise; if they're not prepared, their crops will not be irrigated. So they dig the ditches and reservoirs, and minor tributaries, preparing for the rising of the river.


Our God is saying here, "I would love to bless you. I would love to give you My blessing, but you do not get ready for it. You do not dig the ditches. I want so much to bless you, but you do not prepare to receive My blessings."


You recall the story of the Apostle Peter. When Peter      was catching no fish, the Lord said, "Let your nets down over here." And you recall that Peter didn't let his nets down. The Bible says that he put his net down over here, and his net did break. Why? God said to get nets. God said, "I've got a lot of fish for you." And Peter said, "Just one net is all I'll need." And because just one net came or was let down, the net broke, and the fish were all lost. Why? Because God said, "Dig ditches. Get ready for my blessing." But Peter didn't do it, and the net broke.


You folks who know about farming, check with the farmer just before the harvest time as he cleans the barn and prepares for the gathering of the harvest. He's getting ready for God's blessings. Check when a vessel of cargo is to come into the wharf; the wharf is cleared. Why? The cargo is coming in. "Get ready for it," say the helpers. "Get ready for it. Clear the wharf." Why? Because the cargo is coming in. Maybe a cargo of coal is coming in; clear the wharf. Why? Get ready for it, and that's what God is saying here.


Let me ask you a question today, just as seriously and sincerely as I can. Is there something you want? Now, don't misunderstand me. I mean is there something that you want? You were spiritual. You were living for God. You were living in the will of God, and suddenly you wanted to delight in something. "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." (Psalm 37:4) All of a sudden, you believe God gave you an appetite for something. I mean God gave you a desire for something. You were serving God. No, I don't mean you connived, and I don't mean you were out of the will of God. I mean you were in the will of God and all of a sudden, without your own seeking, God gives you an appetite      or a desire for something while you were delighting in Him. You believed God wanted you to have it. All right, then work and pray and prepare your ditches and get it. You see, ladies and gentlemen, God wants us to dig our ditches and get ready for His blessings.


I recall a story in the book of I Kings. (Maybe it's II Kings, I'm not sure, but anyway.) Jehoshaphat joins Ahab, and he says, "Ahab, there's a certain spot that's a very strategic spot on the hilly side of the Jordan River. That spot is ours. It belongs to us. It's called Ramoth and Gilead. It's a high place. It's a coveted place. It's on that the King of Syria promised to give us, but after the battle was over, he didn't give it to us. Now, we're bigger than the King of Syria; let's join forces," and Ahab and Jehoshaphat joined forces. This question was asked. "Know ye that Ramoth in Gilead is ours, and we be still, and take it not?" (I Kings 22:3.)


Oh, God has so many things He wants to give us if we'll dig our ditches. Prepare for His blessings. The staff here know that I can get hard-boiled sometimes. Now, usually, I'm a kind and loving and sweet fellow like I am in the pulpit, but I can get hard-boiled sometimes. One time I do get hard-boiled is when we don't have enough slips to take the names of all the folks who come forward—I think there are a few staff members who still have marks on their bodies where I beat them—because we are going to get the ditches ready.


One Sunday, I read the names, and we had all the names on a little prepared slip, then I got one on a white card, then I got one on a piece of paper torn out of a book somewhere, then I got a name written on the back of a card, and one was written on an envelope. After the service, I called that staff member in, and I said, "Now, wait a minute." I said, "Why didn't we have enough decision slips?" She said, "I didn't expect to have that many people saved." I said, "Then expect it."


Look. God's blessings are wrapped up in our faith. And our faith is determined by our expectancy, and our expectancy is determined by our preparation. Dig your ditches!


Here's the prophet of God, and the kings say, "We need rain. How can we get rain?" Elijah says, "Let me have a little music. I'm not in the mood right now." He gets in the mood and says, "Thus saith the Lord, make this valley full of ditches." (II Kings 3:16) Prepare for it. Prepare for it.


2. Prepare largely. Make the valley full of ditches—full of ditches! "Now, we don't need that much water," a king could have said. "We just need one big ditch down through the valley; that's all we need." And Elijah said, "Make the valley full of ditches." That means a ditch in the street in front of your house, a ditch in the alley, a ditch between the houses. Every place you've got room, I'm going to give you blessings. Now, he said, "Make it full of ditches."


When I thought about this, I thought about the story of Elijah and the little lady that had a cruse of oil. The man of God came and said, "God's going to give you some oil," and the cruse got full. The Bible says she got every pan she had in the house. In the Hebrew it says, "She got the jars, and she got the buckets, and she got all of the peanut butter glasses that she had, and she got all the pots and pans, and so forth." And the oil kept coming. And it kept coming. And she said, in the Hebrew, "Good night in the morning, wheat am I going to do with all this oil? Oil just everywhere." It kept coming and kept coming. So she told her son—this is also in the Hebrew. It says she had a son or two or three sons—"Do something. Get this oil. It's coming. I'll go next door." She went next door, and she asked the lady next door if she could borrow her vessel. She got all of her pots and pans. The oil kept coming and kept coming and kept coming. Well, good night, lady! If God's going to give you oil, God's going to give you oil! Consequently, she wasn't prepared, but God kept giving it. And Elijah said, "Make the valley full of ditches."


I get so weary at little piddling blessings folks seek from God. I get so weary at people who don't want the big blessings of God. I get so wear of going to churches, and they run a hundred in Sunday School, and they say next Sunday we're going to try for 120. I get so weary of that. I get so wear of going places and a fellow says, "Our goal is to baptize 50 next year." I get so weary of that. Why don't you make the valley full of ditches? I mean, open up the windows of Heaven with God. He would, if we would prepare for His blessings, and so make it full.


This morning, I was thinking about the time when I wanted to be a soul winner in East Texas. I wanted so badly to be a soul winner. I'd go out and knock on doors, and I couldn't win anybody. I'd beg. I'd plead. I'd argue, and I'd get mad, and I'd cry, and I'd beg folks to get saved. It was like Joe Boyd's dog. Joe used to have a big old dog that had a bushy tail. Everybody stepped on the tail. Never missed it. Never missed it. Everybody stepped on the tail. So the dog got to where when company would come, it would lie right at the front door, stick his tail out so that they could stomp on it and get it over with. And that's the way I was. I would go out soul winning and I'd say, "You wouldn't want to get saved, would you?" You know, and one day—I'll never forget it—we were having a city-wide revival in Marshal, Texas. A fellow named Buckner Fannon, a very well-known young preacher, one of these glamour-boy type preachers—he was preaching at the Marshal Baseball Stadium, out in the fairgrounds. A city-wide revival, and we weren't having anybody saved. Nobody. I mean, that well-known preacher, and he had a white jacket and a red tie. That ought to get a lot of folks saved, but he even had on suede shoes. I thought surely we'd have a big crowd saved, but nobody was getting saved. Nobody. And all the churches were cooperating, and great crowds were coming, but nobody was getting saved. One night behind the Grand Stand I said to myself, "Good night, if they won't get them saved, then I will." And then I said, "Who said that?" I didn't expect anybody to get saved. I went alone myself that night and I said, "Dear God, You may as well bless me. That fellow, he's famous, and he's not getting anybody saved. You may as well bless me." I took off the next day for the first time in my life, I expected to see somebody saved. I won 12 adults to Jesus Christ the next day. I carried that revival. I mean, they had 37 people saved, and I won 36 of them, and the whole revival was mine. Why? Because I decided to dig the ditches and make the valley full of ditches. I decided to believe God could use me in soul winning.


I told you about Yetta James a few weeks ago. She's the deaf lady I mentioned. I went out to see her in the south side of Hammond. I think on Beech or Chestnut or Birch or Elm or Oak or Fir or Apple or Peachtree or something—one of these streets out in the south of Hammond. I knocked on the door, and her married daughter came to the door. I said, "I'm Brother Hyles, pastor of First Baptist Church of Hammond. I've come to talk to you about Jesus." And the daughter said, "Don't say that word here." Well, I didn't know which word she mean—Jesus or Brother Hyles. And she said, "Don't say that word. The last one. We don't' mention His name here. We're orthodox Jews." "Orthodox Jews," I said, "I'm half Jew myself." I've told that story all across the country. Put it in print. I am half Jew myself. And she said, "Half Jew yourself?" You don't look like it or sound like it." (And the other half is Texan, by the way.) I said, "Well, it's because I haven't always been a half Jew. For the first 11 years of my life, I wasn't a Jew at all. I became half a Jew when I was 11." She said, "You did what?" I said, "But don't worry. Any day now, I'm going to become a full-blooded Jew." She said, "How can you do that?"


I told her how I was a sinner, and at 11, I received Christ and God made me a spiritual Jew. I told her that any day now, Jesus was going to come, and He was going to rapture me in this robe of flesh. I'll drop and rise and seize the everlasting prize, and I told her that I'd become like Christ. Then in a few minutes, that married daughter was sweetly saved. Now, I said, "Let me talk to your mother." She said, "You can't talk to my mother. She's deaf. The only reason she came to First Baptist Church was because there are deaf people there, and somebody to talk to with sign language." She said, "I'll call her in." She called her, and I think she was 65 at the time. That daughter turned to her mother, and I said, "Tell her what you just did. Tell her what I just told you. Tell her that she's a sinner. Tell her how that sinners are lost. Tell her that Jesus died for sinners. Tell her how to be saved." And that lady who had told me not to mention the name of Jesus, in just a few minutes was using her hands in the sign language to talk to her mother, and she won her mother to Jesus Christ—an orthodox Jewish deaf lady.


They sat back here one Sunday night, and down the aisle they came. They were baptized the next Sunday night. And what happened? Now, the lady, Mrs. James, the older one, died and went to Heaven last night—that deaf lady. She can hear today. She's hearing my voice for the first time. She's hearing the music of our church for the first time. Her ears have been unstopped, and now she can hear the chorus of Heaven. Why? I'll tell you why. Because a long time ago, I said, "Let's dig the ditches. Let's make the valley full of ditches." If you want the blessings of God, dig ditches.


The prophet said, "Prepare and prepare largely." He said, "I want you to prepare now. Dig the ditches now." There was not a cloud in the sky. He said, "You won't hear the wind; you won't see the rain, but dig the ditches. Make the valley full of ditches. Do it now." God wants to bless you now. Now, you say, "Brother Hyles, what do you mean?" I mean this. Now, listen. God wants you to have what you began wanting while you were delighted in Him. Did you hear me? When you delight in the Lord, and are living for Him, and meditating in His word day and night, and serving Him; then, if you have a delight from Him, He wants you to have it. He wants you to get ready for it and work to get it. And so, the prophet said, "Prepare now." Not in a little while.


I've told this story many times here about my Aunt Octa, and it's so appropriate here. Uncle Roy, one of the finest men I ever met, has been in Heaven now for a number of years. He was my mother's favorite brother, and probably there's never been any closer brother/sister relationship on the face of the earth than my mother and her brother, Roy. His wife, Octa, is still alive. O-C-T-A. They had some dumb names back there. Octa. Coystal. My mother's name is Coystal. God bless them. They've called her that all her life. Not even Crystal—could have been Crystal—but Coystal. They call her Coys for short. Anyway, my mother's brother, Uncle Roy, was not saved. They tried to get him saved. They'd send a preacher around, but they couldn't get him saved. He'd go to revivals, but he      wouldn't get saved. He'd go to preaching on Sunday, but he wouldn't get saved. One day, he decided he would go to the afternoon baptizing. So they were baptizing out in the creek in the afternoon—back in those days you had to baptize folks occasionally in the creek. Uncle Roy looked at Aunt Octa while they were baptizing, and he said, "You know what?" He said, "If I had a change of clothes, I'd get baptized right now." And my Aunt Octa said, "You do have a change of clothes." And he said, "No. No, I don't." She said. "Oh, yes. I brought it for you. I brought it for you." And Uncle Roy was saved and baptized that afternoon. You know why? She prepared. She dug some ditches. She dug some ditches. She expected it.


I haven't told this story in a long time, but I want to hear it. I was in a church out at Boise, Idaho, and a preacher met me at the plane--and this is such a perfect illustration. Very seldom do I ever have any perfect illustrations. I've got to use it again. Anyway, the preacher met me at the plane, and he took me to the church. I said, "I would like to see your baptistry." We walked in. They had a curtain up there over a big hole I thought. So I opened the curtain and looked in and my head hit some sheetrock. Drywall. I couldn't see, and I said, "How do you see the baptistry?" "Well," he said, "We have drywall over it." He said, "You go back to the back. The hole is back there." Well, I went back behind and looked. Oak floor was laid over the baptistry. Oak floor.


I said, "Well, look. Where's the hole?" He said, "Underneath the oak floor." I said, "Well, how do you baptize?" He said, "We don't." He said, "We baptized seven years ago once." He said, "We haven't had an invitation in seven years." And I said, "What? Well, what if you had to baptize tonight?" He said, "We will saw it out." I said, "Get a saw." That night I preached. Right before I preached, there was sitting over here      on the side a little adding room like, and the preacher come over to me, and he was as nervous as I ever saw a man. He said, "Brrrrrother Hyles." He said, "The bbbbbiggest atheist in BBBBBoise is sittttting on the frrrront row. Whhhhaaat are you goooooooing to do?" And I said, "I am goooooing to prrrreach." So I walked out, and there he sat, a big old ugly-looking guy. He had his arms folded like he came to blow up the building, and he looked like he was Chairman of the Deacons. Invitation time came. Would you like to know who the first person that got saved was? The town atheist. The biggest atheist in Boise and nobody ever thought he would get saved. Numbers of folks got saved. Did you know after the service that night, ladies came by the dozens and said, "Tomorrow night my husband is going to be here. If that man gets saved, my old man can get saved too."


The next night, we had that place packed and jammed with folks sitting in the aisles and standing back in the back with folks      outside looking in windows. We had hundreds of people. The State Attorney General was there. The State Comptroller was there. The State Legislatures were there, a dozen or more. The biggest atheist in the whole county got converted, and they were there. That night we had 26 people saved. We had politicians saved. We had grown men saved. One lady started shouting at the altar. So when the invitation was all over, the pastor stood up and he said, "Well," he said, "I don't know what to do." I said, "What do you mean?" "Well, it's been seven years," he said, "What do you do with these people now?" I said, "You might start off taking their names." He said, "Anybody got any paper?" And very kindly, I said, "I'll tell you how you can start off. The first thing to do is sit down and let me take care of it." I had to get up and get the names, and read the names, and talk about baptism, and talk about church membership. Why? He didn't even have one single hole dug for the water to come in--not a ditch.


No wonder God doesn't bless us. Elijah said, "Make the valley full of ditches and do it now. Today."


3. Prepare vigorously. Vigorously! Did you know ditch digging is hard work? Now, I never have dug a ditch, but I've dug a fox hole, and I broke an all-time record digging it too. I wasn't in combat, but on maneuvers one time. They said, "We're going to start shooting machine guns right through here in so much time." They put a deadline on it. "And the best thing for you to do is figure out someplace to be." They gave us a shovel. My hole was deep with room to spare before they started shooting those machine guns. Now that's work! They gave me a little shovel not much bigger than a tablespoon, and it's work.


He said, "Make the valley full of ditches. Do it now." Look. Church after church could have the blessings of God if they would make      the valley full of ditches. Sunday School departments and classes could grow if they would make the valley full of ditches. Folks could be saved if they would make the valley full of ditches. Sunday school trench. Soul-winning trench.


May I say this to you folks this morning? You folks who are not saved, and I say this lovingly. Did you know that we've prepared for your coming? We have made the valley full of ditches for you. You know right now—ladies that take the names, would you raise your hands, please? All the ladies. These ladies all over the house, they are prepared to take your name when you come forward. Would all the deacons raise your hand, please? All the deacons. We have trained these men to talk to you about Christ. Name takers, do you have your decision slips? How many do you have? We expected you to come. Don't you see what I'm saying? We've made the valley full of ditches. We're ready. We want to see you saved. We don't want you to die and go to Hell. We don't want you to live a life without God. We don't want you to perish in the fires of eternal damnation. We don't want      you to spend eternity without your loved ones who are saved. We want you to go to Heaven. We've asked God to saved you. We've asked God to speak to you. We've made the valley full of ditches. Now, you come and say, "Yes," to Jesus Christ.


I can go a step further. The baptistry is filled. We expected you to come. We have people now in the baptistry dressing rooms getting ready for you. We expected you to come. We have robes and towels all hanging up there, jus ready for you. We expected you to come. We have prepared for you. We have made the valley full of ditches. Why? Because we want to see you go to Heaven. You say, "You're trying to make a Baptist out of me." I wouldn’t get up in the morning and drive my car to this church and spend my time in this pulpit to make a Baptist out of anybody because you can go to Hell from the Baptist church roll just like you can from a tavern if you're not born again. I want to see you saved. I want you to go to Heaven. We have prepared for you. We have made a valley full of ditches.


But I'll go a step further than that. Some more ditches are prepared for you. God looked down when eternity passed and saw 1970, and God saw that you were a sinner. God said, "I don't want him to go to Hell. I want that person to be a Christian." And God began to dig ditches for you. God began to dig ditches, and He'd dug the ditch of sending His own Son. In Bethlehem's manger God looked down and said, "There's a person in 1970 sitting in the First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana, who is lost. I don't want him to go to Hell. I'll leave my Heavenly throne. I'll come to earth. I'll become man. I'll live 33 years on earth, homesick for Heaven. I'll do it because I want to dig ditches." God is doing that preparing this morning for you. God's kept on digging. God and Christ went to the cross, and as we said awhile ago in the song and also in the Lord's Supper, God, in Christ paid the penalty for you sin on the cross. He looked down and saw you      sitting out here in 1970, a lost sinner, not prepared to die—without God, without hope. God said, "I don't want them to go to Hell," and so God gave His Son, and His Son gave His life on the cross as a sacrifice for your sins. What was He doing? He was making the valley full of ditches.


But that isn't all. God rose in Christ from the dead after three days and three nights, and He ascended to the Father. God said, "I want to sit at the right hand of the Father. I want to intercede. I want to be the lawyer, the attorney. I want to be the intercessor or the mediator." And Christ today is at the right hand of God. He offers Himself as your mediator and as your lawyer or your attorney, before the throne of God. God said, "I want to make the valley full of ditches."


But that isn't all. He sent His Holy Spirit to tell you that you ought to be a Christian. He sent the Holy Spirit to walk up and down these aisles, in and out of these pews, and say, "You ought to be saved. You've got to die one of these days. You're going to go to Hell if you don't get converted. You know you're not happy without Christ. You ought to receive the Savior. You ought to get saved today. You may not live till next Sunday. Hey, you folks over here. You've got to die. You've got to face God. You've got to meet. You've got to stand judgment."


The Holy Spirit of God was sent that He might convict      you of sin. God prepared ditches for you. Now, wait a minute. While we sat here this morning, up yonder somewhere in the Eternal City of God, our Lord is preparing a place for you. He wants you to go to heaven. He's been digging ditches for you since eternity. He loves you today. Everything He's      ever done was to get you saved. Everything he's ever done was to make it so that you who have fallen in sin could be saved from an eternity without God and the priceless Hell. God loves you, and everything God has done has been for making the valley full of ditches.


By the way, Mrs. James, the deaf lady, this means "yes" in sign language. I'm quite a linguist. I guess this means "no." I don't know. But I know this means "yes." I saw her daughter turn to her. I couldn't understand what she was telling her, but I saw her do this. That's the Jesus Book—the Bible. The nail prints, and the hand, and the book, and I saw her daughter in the sign language tell that lady, up in years, about the Jesus Book and what it says. Then she pointed to her heart, and she pointed to the heart of her mother, and then she asked her mother in some way if she'd trust the Savior. The mother did like this, and then the mother went like this.


Today, won't you today look to the Jesus book? Won't you say yes? Let Him come into your heart? You have got to die someday.


Let us pray.


 

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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

21 TRAITS OF AN AWAKENING SOUL

21 TRAITS OF AN AWAKENING SOUL

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By: WakingTimes

You can say its because of a global shift in consciousness, a destiny we have arrived at due to spiritual evolution, or the outcome of strange times, but, many people all across the globe are going through intense personal changes and sensing an expansion of consciousness. Personal changes of this magnitude can be difficult to recognize and to understand, but here are 21 traits of an awakening soul, a ‘sensitive’, or an ‘empath.’

1.  Being in public places is sometimes overwhelming. Since our walls between self and other are dissolving, we haven’t really learned to distinguish between someone else’s energy and our own. If the general mood of the crowd is herd-like or negative, we can feel this acutely, and may feel like retreating into our own private space. When we have recharged our batteries with meditation, spending time in nature, far away from other people, or just sitting in quiet contemplation, we are ready to be with the masses again. In personal relationships, we often will feel someone else’s emotions as our own. It is important to have this higher sense of empathy, but we must learn to allow another person’s emotions while observing them and keeping our empathy, but, realizing that not all emotions belong to usSocial influence can dampen our own innate wisdom.

2.  We know things without having to intellectually figure them out. Often called intuitive awareness, we have ‘a-ha’ moments and insights that can explain some of the most complex theories or phenomenon in the world. Some of the most brilliant minds of our time just ‘know.’ Adepts and sages often were given downloads of information from higher states of consciousness after meditating or being in the presence of a more conscious individual; this is happening for more people with more frequency. As we trust our intuition more often, it grows stronger.  This is a time of ‘thinking’ with our hearts more than our heads. Our guts will no longer be ignored. Our dreams are becoming precognitive and eventually our conscious thoughts will be as well.

3.  Watching television or most of main stream media, including newspapers and many Hollywood movies is very distasteful to us. The mindset that creates much, but not all, of the programming on television and in cinema is abhorrent. It commodifies people and promotes violence. It reduces our intelligence and numbs our natural empathetic response to someone in pain.

4.  Lying to us is nearly impossible. We may not know exactly what truth you are withholding, but we can also tell (with our developing intuition and ESP skills) that something isn’t right. We also know when you have other emotions, pain, love, etc. that you aren’t expressing. You’re an open book to us. We aren’t trained in counter-intelligence, we are just observant and knowing. While we may pick up on physical cues, we can look into your eyes and know what you are feeling.

5.  We may pick up symptoms of your cold, just like men who get morning sickness when their wives are pregnant. Sympathy pains, whether emotional or physical, are something we experience often. We tend to absorb emotion through the solar plexus, considered the place we ‘stomach emotion’ so as we learn to strengthen this chakra center, we may sometimes develop digestive issues. Grounding to the earth can help to re-establish our emotional center. Walking barefoot is a great way to re-ground.

6.  We tend to root for the underdog, those without voices, those who have been beaten down by the matrix, etc. We are very compassionate people, and these marginalized individuals often need more love. People can sense our loving hearts, so complete strangers will often tell us their life stories or approach us with their problems. While we don’t want to be a dumping ground for everyone’s issues, we are also a good ear for those working through their stuff.

7.  If we don’t learn how to set proper boundaries, we can get tired easily from taking on other people’s emotions. Energy Vampires are drawn to us like flies to paper, so we need to be extra vigilant in protecting ourselves at times.

8.  Unfortunately, sensitives or empaths often turn to drug abuse or alcohol to block some of their emotions and to ‘protect’ themselves from feeling the pain of others.

9.  We are all becoming healers. We naturally gravitate toward healing fields, acupuncture, reiki, Qi-Gong, yoga, massage, midwivery, etc. are fields we often find ourselves in. We know that the collective needs to be healed, and so we try our best to offer healing in whatever form we are most drawn to. We also turn away from the ‘traditional’ forms of healing ourselves. Preferring natural foods, herbs, and holistic medicine as ways to cure every ailment.

10.  We see the possibilities before others do. Just like when the church told Copernicus he was wrong, and he stood by his heliocentric theory, we know what the masses refuse to believe. Our minds are light-years ahead.

11.  We are creative. We sing, dance, paint, invent, or write. We have amazing imaginations.

12.  We require more solitude than the average person.

13.  We might get bored easily, but we are really good at entertaining ourselves.

14.  We have a difficult time doing things we don’t want to do or don’t really enjoy. We really do believe life was meant to be an expression of joy. Why waste it doing something you hate? We aren’t lazy, we are discerning.

15.  We are obsessed with bringing the truth to light. Like little children who say, “that’s not fair” we want to right the wrongs of the world, and we believe it often just takes education. We endeavor to explain the unexplainable and find answers to the deep questions of life. We are seekers, in the Campbellian paradigm. ‘The Hero With a Thousand Faces.”

16.  We can’t keep track of time. Our imaginations often get away with us and a day can feel like a minute, a week, a day.

17.  We abhor routine.

18.  We often disagree with authority (for obvious reasons).

19.  We will often be kind, but if you are egotistical or rude, we won’t spend much time with you or find an excuse to not hang out with people who are obsessed with themselves. We don’t ‘get’ people who are insensitive to other people’s feelings or points of view.

20.  We may be vegan or vegetarian because we can sense a certain energy of the food we eat, like if an animal was slaughtered inhumanely. We don’t want to consume negative energy.

21.  We wear our own emotions on our sleeves and have a hard time ‘pretending’ to be happy if we aren’t. We avoid confrontation, But will quietly go about changing the world in ways you can’t even see.

These 21 traits of an awakening soul are a reminder of how important it is to maintain awareness, clarity and strength in these interesting times. If you are experiencing something that is not on this list, please add it to the comments section below.

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5 Ways To Open Your Third Eye, Here’s How To Open Yours!



Saturday, June 7, 2014

How To Get An Ex Back: 5 Essential Steps

How To Get An Ex Back: 5 Essential Steps

"Help! How can I get back my ex!" is the distressed plea of many of my clients when they contact me to launch therapy. After years of gradual relationship deterioration, failing communication in a relationship, and off-putting interactions, at least in the eyes of their partner, some final-straw development suddenly propelled their partner to insist that they separate.

Panic ensues.  There's a feeling of having fallen into a fast-moving stream heading straight for the terrifying waterfall of permanent split-up.

Is there any way at this late point to save the relationship from ending?  If your loved one has said "I'm done!" what can you possibly do to get your ex back?  

The good news is that there is potential for ending up with reunion and a better-than-ever relationship ahead.  Here's five steps that can save folks from crashing down the waterfall, enabling them instead to find solid ground and a bridge to a better future.

The Five Steps to Get Back an Ex 

1. Get back on your feet.

2. List your spouse's complaints.

3. Clean up your act.

4. Agree to divorce the old marriage.

5. Reconnect from a position of strength.

Let's look at these steps one by one.

Step 1:  Get back on your feet.

Peter's young wife Paulette had said to him, "That's it. You've betrayed my trust one time too many. You are far too nice when you talk on the phone to the mother of your daughter, and by contrast you show no love toward me. All you do with me is avoid me or get mad. I've had it. Please, leave the house."  

Paulette did agree to join Peter in therapy, but other than that one session a week he was banished from her life.

Peter was devastated. He moved out of his home to a small apartment where he sat each night feeling desparate and miserable, overcome with self-loathing, regrets, guilt and shame, and loneliness.

After starting in therapy Peter began to try to get himself back on his feet by writing his thoughts and feelings. Sending his thoughts via email to his therapist (me) helped him to feel less alone.

I later asked Peter if I could publish excerpts from his emails in this article.  He liked the idea that his period of deepest suffering might someday help others facing similar circumstances.

"Human experience has not yet devised anything," Peter wrote on an early email, "that can shield us from the pain of a broken love, the pain of feeling thrown out of your own world and out into the cold. Same as being born: I  huddled in a very cosy place that was my natural place to be, then all of a sudden I am ejected into a new and hostile place, one that's not where I  felt at home. And there is nothing the baby can do but scream and cry and feel terrible." 

In a later email, Peter wrote similarly, "I am overwhelmed today with feelings of loneliness and, yes, anger. I don't want to feel this way and perhaps tomorrow I will feel differently, but I don't really know how much more of this I can take.

"I'm told that there are two people who have created this negative dynamic, and yet I feel like the only person being punished here. I'm locked out of my own house, living in a small lousy room away from my things, my comforts, my bed, and my wife, the only person who means anything to me in Denver. I am living like a gypsy …

"How long am I expected to live like this? The days are VERY lonely. It's an unbelievably depressing feeling to wake up and immediately realize that I'm not home, and have no friends or family to talk with … I get up, I meditate, I swim, I go to work, I eat, I lift some weights, I meditate again and go to sleep. Wash, rinse, and repeat. I'm not enjoying work (which would normally be a decent distraction), but feel I can't quit, as I have too many financial responsibilities I have to uphold. I'm amazed I haven't gone mad yet.

"I just want these feelings of ache and loneliness to go away."

While Peter was suffering deeply, journaling in emails enabled Peter's initial thoughts and feelings to flow through a natural grieving and healing process. Having a trusted friend or relative to talk with can help similarly. The first shock of a separation typically induces a reaction similarly to the disbelief and pain of loss that people experience after the sudden death of a loved one. Peter's journal entries enabled him to dump, explode and vomit out his distress, launching his recovery process.

Peter's writing included many insights, which we then discussed further in his therapy sessions:

"I want to stress that I don't like feeling the way I do right now. I especially don't like the feelings of anger that I am experiencing. Or the feeling of abandonment."  

In our therapy sessions Peter recalled that in his family expressions of anger were not allowed.  As a young boy with no one who would listen when he felt negative feelings, Peter often felt abandoned.  

Early life experiences form templates for later experiences. Peter's reactions to his current situation consequently repeated the abandonment feeling he had felt as a kid whose parents wanted him to be seen but not heard.

"Yesterday, I wanted to read a novel that I have at home and, of course, the house is off-limits except at hours of my wife's choosing. I could have phoned and arranged a time, but why am I always put in the position where I have to ask for something? It's demeaning and emasculating."

While his current situation was inherently upsetting, Peter again gradually saw that he was reacting through the lens of his family-of-origin realities. Loving responses were not freely given there. Asking for his parents' attention felt demeaning and emasculating. 

Tracing strong reactions to current life events back to their origin in earlier experiences can enable a person to identify what felt the same then and now. The healing question then is to find what in the present situation is different.

Peter realized that now, as an adult, he had more options than he had had as a child for finding solutions to his life challenges. Therein lay the hope for change, pointing the way toward healing. He could safely ask his therapist for attention.  His wife also did not intent to put him in a demeaning or emasculating position.  She just wanted change.

Peter discovered that if he wanted to talk with his wife, he would get the best results if he asked from a stance of self-respect. He tried asking if she would meet him for coffee. She replied, "Sure!" In fact, the groveling and self-deprecation that Peter had learned as a child were the opposite of what his wife wanted. The more confidently he addressed her, the more positively she responded.

Writing down his painful feelings helped to free Peter from continuously thinking of them. Writing and then talking with his therapist about his thoughts enabled him to let go of beating himself up in anger and also of drowning himself in self-pity.

Peter meanwhile gradually began to find ways to "get back on his own feet." He began feeling less desparate and terrified, moving forward toward safer ground.

Getting back on his feet involved reconnecting with old friends, and making contact with new ones as he pursued interests in activities he enjoyed. He joined a book group, found a place with religious services that he liked. He recalled the sports activities that in better times, he used to enjoy and returned to doing those activities again. Bit by bit, his spirits lifted.

As he felt stronger, Peter felt less need to rant. No need to play the same recording again and again. Anger begets more anger, and repeatedly reminding himself how bad he felt was making the message 'a little bit louder and a litte bit worse' with each go-round.

To his relief, Peter began to experience his small apartment somewhat more positively. Now it felt like a cozy place to read and enjoy time alone. His loneliness, too, began to abate to the point that some evenings he even preferred staying home alone to running out to activites with others lest he drown in the pain of loss.

Step 2: List your spouse's complaints.

For years Peter had reacted to Paulette's complaints about him with defensiveness. When he did allow himself to hear information about what he was doing that troubled his wife, he'd get mad at himself.  Listening to her had escalated his agitation and distress instead of leading to learning. Now Peter decided he'd better address her concerns, beginning by writing out a list of all he could recall. "Information is power," he reminded himself to ease the sting of shame and guilt. 

a. An affair. Even though it was just a one-night stand, he had to acknowledge that this action had seriously violated the rules of their marriage.

b.  Appearing to treat his wife as a second-rate citizen by ignoring her much of the time and by disagreeing with whatever she would say when they did talk.  His kindly telephone conversations, by contrast, with his ex-wife added fuel to her fire.

c. Walling himself off from her as he sunk in a sea of depression and self-pity about his job.  

Step 3: Clean up your act.

Peter focused one by one on each of the three arenas in which he now realized that he'd made serious mistakes.

a. Learning from the affair: Peter wrote out the series of misteps that he had allowed himself to take down the road to sexual betrayal. He listed what had motivated each step — and also what would have been far better options for responding to his concerns at each point in the pathway. He identified the specific situational, thoughts and feeling cues that triggered each step, and the alternative action he would take in the future in response to each cue.

For instance, in the future when he was traveling for business and staying alone in hotels he would plan ahead what to do in the evenings: phone his wife, work on his computer, read, watch his favorite TV shows.  He would NOT go to the hotel bar. If he met people in the lobby, if the acquaintances were women he would speak with them briefly and then say goodbye.  He would go out to dinner only with men friends.  If women joined them, he would not engage in one-on-one conversations with them. Alcohol, private time with women plus loneliness and a disconnected relationship with his wife had been a dangerous combination for him. 

b. The lack of positive conversations with his wife.

Peter realized that his wife was right that he had been avoiding talking with her.

He had been avoiding conversations in part because when they did talk, talking seemed to lead to arguments.

Exercises on listening skills helped Peter identify the counter-productive listening habits that he had developed that had been a major factor in creating needless antagonisms. With more effective listening skills, he could see right away that he could make the tone of their conversations more positive.

As he saw the impact of his new listening skills Peter all the more conscientiously dug into learning all he could from his relationship skills bookworkbook and online program.  He realized that prior to the relationship breakup he had had no idea of what a high-skilled activity sustaining a loving partnership was.  Now that he understood the potency of collaborative dialogue, conflict resolution and emotional self-regulation skills he studied intensely every night as if he was preparing for exams.

c. Depressive self-absorption

With hindsight, Peter could see that the unpleasant situation he found himself in every day at work had left him depressed in the evenings. His response to depression had been to sink increasingly into "poor me" ruminations. "How can they treat me so unfairly? Why can't my boss appreciate my talents?  I'm stuck in a job that's not my thing. I hate having a job that doesn't fit and a boss who's chronically negative."

Peter also switched from "awfulizing" about his work situation from a stance of helpless victim to taking a problem-solving stance. What could he do to find a more positive work situation? He began networking with others in his field, stumbled on a job that sounded far more suitable, applied, and at this point is looking likely to get the position.  

Depression results when one feels powerless in a situation. As he switched from helpless ruminating to an activated problem-solving stance, Peter's dark depressive cloud began to lift.

Step 4:  Agree with your ex that you also want to divorce the old relationship.

Explain, and show by your actions, that you would like to keep the partnership, you are determined to radically change your relationship behaviors.  

Peter arranged to meet his wife for coffee. He brought with him his list of all the old habits that he now understood had been problematic in the old relationship. He also listed the new habit patterns he was building to replace the old ones.  

As they talked Peter often felt tempted to say, "and you do it too!"  He successfully refrained.  He had learned that his job was to look at what he could change, not to criticize or advise his wife.  That change proved to be one of the most potent signs to his wife that Peter was in fact behaving far more appealingly.  

Step 5: Reconnect from a stance of strength

Because he was feeling so much better about himself with his new problem-solving and listening habits, Peter was able to talk with his wife in the playful and engaging mode that had attracted her when they had first met.  Paulette was delightfully surprised.  She appreciated his clarity about the mistaken roads he had taken. She liked his vision of the new Peter.  She especially like the many ways that already he was acting in the new ways.  She felt for the first time in years that Peter was actually seeing and listening to her instead of locked in a narcissistic bubble.  

"I can see now," Peter explained to her, "that in my depression about work I became totally self-centered. I withdrew from you, so no wonder you felt angry and distanced from me. As both of us withdrew from each other we lost our sexual connection.  I felt desparate for attention.  Then I took the ultimate wrong turn by seeking sexual attention from an infidelity. Big mistake!  I'm so glad that now I'm looking for a job that will be a better fit for me. I think I've found one, and I'm thrilled at the prospect."  

"You were right too about how much I coddled my children's mother. The reality is that I was afraid of her.  Just like when we were married I was always trying to keep her from getting mad at me. When I was depressed I had no spine for anything.  That era is over as well.  Now when she calls, I get the facts of who to pick up when and where, and that's it."

Closing perspectives on the question "How can I get my ex back?"

Peter did a lot of studying of couple skills on his own.  At the same time, he had a therapist for guidance when he felt stuck and to help him with insights and deeper subconscious change.  Finding a therapy professional to help you through this kind of crisis can be helpful, provided it is a therapist who helps you to see and rectify your relationship mistakes.

Note also that therapy is virtually always more potent if the couple goes together for some of the sessions. Paulette, after initial reluctance, decided to schedule sessions with Peter's therapist as well.  They sometimes saw the therapist separately, and sometimes together which helped them to recognize and rectify the problematic patterns in their prior interactions.  When both partners participate in a process of growth, the odds zoom up that the outcome will be positive for both of them.  

Be sure however that one therapist works with both of you if you want to increase the odds that you will end up re-united as a couple. Two therapists, one for each partner, all but guarantees that the relationship will end.

Lastly, will Peter get his ex Paulette back?  

When if ever will they move back in together and enjoy a renewed marriage?

Peter and Paulette have agreed that they need still more time before they make a final split-up or re-unite decision.  Paulette is wary of false hope.  She wants to be certain that she can trust that Peter's changes will hold, and hers as well.  

For sure though, whatever their ultimate relationship decision, both Peter and Paulette feel out of their lifeboat and back on solid ground.  The panic of a devastating waterfall ahead has been replaced by anticipation of a safer and sunnier future, whether in fact they end up together or apart.

 

Susan Heitler, Ph.D. , a Denver psychologist and marriage counselor, is author of the book The Power of Two which teaches the skills for marriage success, and an interactive website based on her book called PowerOfTwoMarriage.com.



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Friday, June 6, 2014

6 Subtle Things Highly Productive People Do Every Day

6 Subtle Things Highly Productive People Do Every Day

Ever feel like you’re just not getting enough done?

Know how many days a week you’re actually productive?

About three:

People work an average of 45 hours a week; they consider about 17 of those hours to be unproductive (U.S.: 45 hours a week; 16 hours are considered unproductive).

We could all be accomplishing a lot more — but then again, none of us wants to be a workaholic, either.

It’d be great to get tons done and have work-life balance. But how do we do that? I decided to get some answers.

And who better to ask than Tim Ferriss, author of the international bestseller The 4-Hour Workweek.

(Tim’s blog is here and his podcast is here.)

Below are six tips Tim offered, the science behind why they work, and insights from the most productive people around.

1. Manage Your Mood

Most productivity systems act like we’re robots – they forget the enormous power of feelings.

If you start the day calm it’s easy to get the right things done and focus.

But when we wake up and the fray is already upon us — phone ringing, emails coming in, fire alarms going off — you spend the whole day reacting.

This means you’re not in the driver’s seat working on your priorities; you’re responding to what gets thrown at you, important or not.

Here’s Tim:

I try to have the first 80 to 90 minutes of my day vary as little as possible. I think that a routine is necessary to feel in control and nonreactive, which reduces anxiety. It therefore makes you more productive.

Research shows how you start the day has an enormous effect on productivity, and you procrastinate more when you’re in a bad mood.

Studies demonstrate happiness increases productivity and makes you more successful.

As Shawn Achor describes in his book The Happiness Advantage:

Doctors put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis show almost three times more intelligence and creativity than doctors in a neutral state, and they make accurate diagnoses 19% faster. Optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by 56%. Students primed to feel happy before taking math achievement tests far outperform their neutral peers. It turns out that our brains are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative or even neutral, but when they are positive.

So think a little less about managing the work and a little more about managing your moods. 

(For more on how to be happier, go here.)

So what’s the first step to managing your mood after you wake up?

2. Don’t Check Email In The Morning

To some people this is utter heresy. Many can’t imagine not waking up and immediately checking email or social-media feeds.

I’ve interviewed a number of very productive people and nobody said, “Spend more time with email.”

Why is checking email in the morning a cardinal sin? You’re setting yourself up to react.

An email comes in and suddenly you’re giving your best hours to someone else’s goals, not yours.

You’re not planning your day and prioritizing; you’re letting your objectives be hijacked by whoever randomly decides to enter your inbox.

Here’s Tim:

Whenever possible, do not check email for the first hour or two of the day. It’s difficult for some people to imagine. “How can I do that? I need to check email to get the information I need to work on my most important one or two to-dos?”

You would be surprised how often that is not the case. You might need to get into your email to finish 100% of your most important to-dos. But can you get 90% done before you go into Gmail and have your rat brain explode with freak-out, dopamine excitement and cortisol panic? Yes.

Research shows email:

  1. Stresses you out.
  2. Can turn you into a jerk.
  3. Can be more addictive than alcohol and tobacco.
  4. And checking email frequently is the equivalent of dropping your IQ 10 points.

Is this really how you want to start your day?

(For more on how to avoid the email trap and spend time wisely go here.)

Great, so you know what not to do. But a bigger question looms: What should you be doing? 

3. Before You Try To Do It Faster, Ask Whether It Should Be Done At All

Everyone asks, “Why is it so impossible to get everything done?” But the answer is stunningly easy:

You’re doing too many things.

Want to be more productive? Don’t ask how to make something more efficient until after you’ve asked “Do I need to do this at all?

Here’s Tim:

Doing something well does not make it important. I think this is one of the most common problems with a lot of time-management or productivity advice; they focus on how to do things quickly. The vast majority of things that people do quickly should not be done at all.

It’s funny that we complain we have so little time and then we prioritize like time is endless. Instead, do what is important … and not much else.

But is this true in the real world?

Research shows CEOs don’t get more done by blindly working more hours, they get more done when they follow careful plans:

Preliminary analysis from CEOs in India found that a firm’s sales increased as the CEO worked more hours. But more intriguingly, the correlation between CEO time use and output was driven entirely by hours spent in planned activities. Planning doesn’t have to mean that the hours are spent in meetings, though meetings with employees were correlated with higher sales; it’s just that CEO time is a limited and valuable resource, and planning how it should be allocated increases the chances that it’s spent in productive ways.

(For more ways to save time go here.)

OK, you’ve cleared the decks. Your head is serene, you’ve gotten the email monkey off your back and you know what you need to do.

Now we have to face one of the biggest problems of the modern era: How do you sit still and focus?

4. Focus Is Nothing More Than Eliminating Distractions

Ed Hallowell, former professor at Harvard Medical School and bestselling author of Driven to Distraction, says we have “culturally generated ADD.”

Has modern life permanently damaged our attention spans?

No. What you do have is more tantalizing, easily accessible, shiny things available to you 24/7 than any human being has ever had.

The answer is to lock yourself somewhere to make all the flashing, buzzing distractions go away.

Here’s Tim:

Focus is a function, first and foremost, of limiting the number of options you give yourself for procrastinating… I think that focus is thought of as this magical ability. It’s not a magical ability. It’s put yourself in a padded room, with the problem that you need to work on, and shut the door. That’s it. The degree to which you can replicate that, and systematize it, is the extent to which you will have focus.

What’s the best way to sum up the research? How about this: Distractions make you stupid.

And a flood of studies shows that the easiest and most powerful way to change your behavior is to change your environment.

Top CEOs are interrupted every 20 minutes. How do they get anything done?

By working from home in the morning for 90 minutes where no one can bother them:

They found that not one of the twelve executives was ever able to work uninterruptedly more than twenty minutes at a time—at least not in the office. Only at home was there some chance of concentration. And the only one of the twelve who did not make important, long-range decisions “off the cuff,” and sandwiched in between unimportant but long telephone calls and “crisis” problems, was the executive who worked at home every morning for an hour and a half before coming to the office.

(For more on how to stop procrastinating go here.)

I know what some of you are thinking: I have other responsibilities. Meetings. My boss needs me. My spouse calls. I can’t just hide.

This is why you need a system.

5. Have A Personal System

I’ve spoken to a lot of insanely productive people. You know what none of them said?

“I don’t know how I get stuff done. I just wing it and hope for the best.”

Not one. Your routines can be formal and scientific or personal and idiosyncratic — but either way, productive people have a routine.

Here’s Tim:

Defining routines and systems is more effective than relying on self-discipline. I think self-discipline is overrated.

Allowing yourself the option to do what you have not decided to do is disempowering and asking for failure. I encourage people to develop routines so that their decision-making is only applied to the most creative aspects of their work, or wherever their unique talent happens to lie.

Great systems work because they make things automatic, and don’t tax your very limited supply of willpower.

What do we see when we systematically study the great geniuses of all time? Almost all had personal routines that worked for them.

(“Give and Take” author Adam Grant consistently writes in the mornings while Tim always writes at night.)

How do you start to develop your own personal system? Apply some 80-20 thinking:

  1. What handful of activities are responsible for the disproportionate number of your successes?
  2. What handful of activities absolutely crater your productivity?
  3. Rearrange your schedule to do more of No. 1 and to eliminate No. 2 as much as possible.

(For more on the routines geniuses use to be productive click here.)

So you’re all set to wake up tomorrow with a system and not be reactive. How do you make sure you follow through on this tomorrow? It’s simple.

6. Define Your Goals The Night Before

Wake up knowing what is important before the day’s pseudo-emergencies come barging into your life and your inbox screams new commands.

Here’s Tim:

Define your one or two most important to-dos before dinner, the day before.

Best-selling author Dan Pink gives similar advice:

Establish a closing ritual. Know when to stop working. Try to end each workday the same way, too. Straighten up your desk. Back up your computer. Make a list of what you need to do tomorrow. 

Research says you’re more likely to follow through if you’re specific and if you write your goals down.

Studies show this has a secondary benefit: writing down what you need to do tomorrow relieves anxiety and helps you enjoy your evening.

(For more information on setting and achieving goals click here.)

So how does this all come together?

Summing Up

Here are Tim’s 6 tips:

  1. Manage Your Mood
  2. Don’t Check Email in The Morning
  3. Before You Try To Do It Faster, Ask Whether It Should Be Done At All
  4. Focus Is Nothing More Than Eliminating Distractions
  5. Have A Personal System
  6. Define Your Goals The Night Before

The word “productivity” sounds like we’re talking about machines. But the funny thing is that much of being truly good with time is about feelings.

How should you strive to feel when working? Busy, but not rushed. Research shows this is when people are happiest.

I couldn’t have written this without the help of Tim Ferriss and Adam Grant. Both volunteered their very valuable time.

Was that a waste on their part? They definitely won’t get those minutes back.

Helping others takes time but research shows it makes us feel like we have more time. And it makes us happier

Once you are more productive, you’ll have a lot more hours to fill. So why not use them to make others and yourself happier?

(I’ll be sending out more tips from Tim Ferriss in my weekly email so make sure to sign up.)

Join more than 45,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.

Related posts:

How To Achieve Work-Life Balance In 5 Steps

Too Busy? 7 Ways To Increase Leisure Time, According To Science

8 Things The World’s Most Successful People All Have In Common

The post 6 Things The Most Productive People Do Every Day appeared first on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.

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This article originally appeared at Barking Up The Wrong Tree. Copyright 2014. Follow Barking Up The Wrong Tree on Twitter.



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Monday, June 2, 2014

Youth Groups Driving Christian Teens to Abandon Faith

This article was posted on FB by a rising college freshman. Interestingly, this young man who is interning for a Georgia legislator this summer, is a product of homeschool. 

Youth Groups Driving Christian Teens to Abandon Faith

teen girls 
A new study might reveal why a majority of Christian teens abandon their faith upon high school graduation. (lusi/rgbstock.com)

A new study might reveal why a majority of Christian teens abandon their faith upon high school graduation. Some time ago, Christian pollster George Barna documented that 61 percent of today's 20-somethings who had been churched at one point during their teen years are now spiritually disengaged. They do not attend church, read their Bible or pray.

According to a new five-week, three-question national survey sponsored by the National Center for Family-Integrated Churches (NCFIC), the youth group itself is the problem. Fifty-five percent of American Christians are concerned with modern youth ministry because it's too shallow and too entertainment-focused, resulting in an inability to train mature believers. But even if church youth groups had the gravitas of Dallas Theological Seminary, 36 percent of today's believers are convinced youth groups themselves are not even biblical.

After answering three questions at YouthGroupSurvey.com, each survey participant received NCFIC Director Scott Brown's e-book entitled Weed in the Church: How A Culture of Age Segregation Is Destroying the Younger Generation, Fragmenting the Family and Harming Church as well as access to a 50-minute-long documentary entitled Divided: Is Modern Youth Ministry Multiplying or Dividing the Church? (Divided has been viewed by 200,000 people.)

The survey is still active online through Friday, Nov. 8.

Adam McManus, a spokesman for NCFIC, is not surprised by the church's deep concerns about youth groups. 

"Today's church has created peer dependency," McManus says. "The inherent result of youth groups is that teenagers in the church are focused on their peers, not their parents or their pastors. It's a foreign sociology that leads to immaturity, a greater likelihood of sexual activity, drug experimentation and a rejection of the authority of the Word of God.

"Proverbs 13:20 says, 'He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.' The result is that the youth stumble, they can't see beyond their noses, and spiritual adolescence is prolonged well into adulthood. It's crippling the body of Christ. That's why it's time to return to the biblical paradigm and throw out the youth group structure entirely."

He continues, "I am greatly encouraged by the results of our survey. American Christians are finally waking up to the disconnect between the clear teaching in Scripture in favor of family-integration and the modern-day church's obsession with dividing the family at every turn. Age segregation, especially during the tender and impactful teenage years, not only hasn't worked, it's been detrimental. Even worse, it is contrary to the Bible. But the good news is that practices in the churches related to youth groups are changing dramatically. Twenty years ago no one was even asking this question."

McManus cited the following Scriptures to document his contention that it's God's will for the church to embrace the biblical model of families staying together in the service as the Word of God is preached: Deuteronomy 16:9-14, Joshua 8:34-35, Ezra 10:1, 2 Chronicles 20:13, Nehemiah 12:43 and Joel 2:15-16.

"Our fervent prayer is that God will raise up Spirit-filled, Bible-preaching, Christ-centered, family-integrated assemblies from the ashes of our man-centered, family-fragmenting churches," McManus adds. "Plus, the church needs to begin to equip Christian fathers to communicate the gospel to their families. Today, Christian parents are beginning to realize that they have not fulfilled their spiritual duties by simply dropping off their kiddos to Sunday school and youth group, allowing other parents to disciple their children by proxy.

"Let's not forget the powerful words spoken by Moses in Deuteronomy 6:4-7: 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.'

"It is the parents' primary obligation to disciple their own children, impressing God's commandments upon them in the home on a daily basis."

Cameron Cole, youth director at Cathedral Church of the Advent in Birmingham, Ala., says, "There is a propensity in our culture to outsource the development of our children. For intellectual development, we send them to school. For athletic development, we send them to Little League. And for spiritual formation, we send them to youth group. The church has done a poor job of communicating to the parents that they are the primary disciplers of their children. Parents don't believe this, but the reality is that kids listen to their parents far more than they're going to listen to a youth minister."

"It's time for the Christian father to take the central role which God has ordained," McManus concludes. "Gathered around the dining room table, the father needs to lead family worship once again, which had been standard behavior for a vibrant American Christian family for hundreds of years, dating back to the Plymouth, Mass., colony of 1620. Dad needs to read from and discuss the Bible, sing Christian songs and pray with his family, his little flock over which God has appointed him shepherd. Frankly, I'm not as concerned about what happens in Sunday school in church as I am with what happens in 'Monday school' and 'Tuesday school' at home with the family."