For much of my life, I, like most people, regarded the pursuit of happiness as largely a selfish pursuit. One of the great revelations of middle age has been that happiness, far from being only a selfish pursuit, is a moral demand.
When we think of character traits we rightly think of honesty, integrity, moral courage, and acts of altruism. Few people include happiness in any list of character traits or moral achievements.
But happiness is both.
Happiness — or at least acting happy, or at the very least not inflicting one’s unhappiness on others — is no less important in making the world better than any other human trait.
With some exceptions, happy people make the world better and unhappy people make it worse. This is true on the personal (micro) and global (macro) planes.
On the micro plane:
Consider the effects of an unhappy parent on a child. Ask people raised by an unhappy parent if that unhappiness hurt them.
Consider the effects of an unhappy spouse on a marriage.
Consider the effects of unhappy children on their parents. I know a couple that has four middle-aged children of whom three are truly extraordinary people, inordinately well adjusted and decent. The fourth child has been unhappy most of his life and has been a never-ending source of pain to the parents. That one child’s unhappiness has always overshadowed the joy that the parents experience from the other three children. Hence the saying that one is no happier than one’s least happy child.
Consider the effects of a brooding co-worker on your and your fellow workers’ morale — not to mention the huge difference between working for a happy or a moody employer.
We should regard bad moods as we do offensive body odor. Just as we shower each day so as not to inflict our body odors on others, so we should monitor our bad moods so as not to inflict them on others. We shower partly for ourselves and partly out of obligation to others. The same should hold true vis a vis moods; and just as we avoid those who do not do something about their body odor we should avoid whenever possible those who do nothing about their bad moods.
The flip side of the damage unhappy people do when they subject others to their unhappiness is the good that people do when they are, or at least act, happy. Just think of how much more you want to help people when you are in particularly happy mood and you realize how much more good the happy are likely to do.
On the macro plane, the case for the relationship between happiness and goodness is as apparent.
It is safe to say that the happiest Germans were not those who joined the Nazi Party. Nor did the happiest Europeans become Communists. And happy Muslims are not generally among those who extol death. The motto of Hamas and other Islamic groups engaged in terror, “We love death as much as [Americans, Jews] love life,” does not appeal to happy Muslims.
Cults, hysteria and mass movements all appeal to the unhappy far more than to the happy. It is one more example of the genius of America’s Founders to include “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” in the Declaration of Independence. No other major civilization so enshrined happiness as a core value. This American belief in the moral and societal merit in pursuing happiness is a major reason America has developed differently than Europe. The American emphasis on happiness is one reason no fanatical political or religious movement, Left or Right, has been able to succeed in America as such movements have repeatedly succeeded in Europe.
The pursuit of happiness is not the pursuit of pleasure. The pursuit of pleasure is hedonism, and hedonists are not happy because the intensity and amount of pleasure must constantly be increased in order for hedonism to work. Pleasure for the hedonist is a drug.
But the pursuit of happiness is noble. It benefits everyone around the individual pursuing it, and it benefits humanity. And that is why happiness is a moral obligation.
But Amos replied, “I’m not a professional prophet, and I was never trained to be one. I’m just a shepherd, and I take care of sycamore-fig trees. But the LORD called me away from my flock and told me, ‘Go and prophesy to my people in Israel.’
JOAN: "I was sound asleep in my apathetic stupor, bothering no one, when God said to me, 'Get up. You've been silent long enough. Don't worry about what you need to say. Your voice will be MY voice, your steps my steps. Do not be afraid of what you don't know. I am Alpha and Omega. I know it all. I will make your feet like hinds feet. I will hasten your pace. I will give you a song in the night. Go into a land that you do not know and where you know no one. I AM will be there, and you will know me there'." JGR Feb 2013
(I have never put that in words before, but that is virtually what I heard 2 years ago when I set out on this bizarre journey to a barren land called politics... or patriotism, whichever you want to call it.)
THE DEAF CULTURE: MICHELE WESTFALL ON BEING DEAF SINCE BIRTH
Michele Westfall was born without hearing. So were her two sons. ITM talked to her about life, sounds and the Deaf culture.
The Deaf culture includes communities affected by deafness, and it’s a natural part of the life of Michele Westfall and her two kids, 8 and 5 years old. In their household ASL – American Sign Language – is the language used to communicate in, and life without sound is no obstacle.
But what’s it really like to never have heard anything, and what is the Deaf culture that seems to be close at heart to Michele and her family?
Interviews That Matter: Do you have any form of perception of what some things might sound like, even if the believed sound is just made up in your mind?
Michele Westfall: Not really. Since I was born deaf, I don’t have the proper frame of reference to know what this or that sound is supposed to sound like. Any sound I hear would be interpreted as “noise” to me.
ITM: But isn’t noise a form of sound too? Do you mean that it would be something annoying to you, or what does “noise” sound like?
MW: You’re right. It’s more like gibberish that doesn’t make sense to me. That’s the best way I can put it. It’s gibberish that I cannot use or do anything with, so its usefulness is nil.
ITM: Can you hear yourself thinking?
MW: No. But I can see and feel myself thinking.
ITM: Can you elaborate?
MW: I’ve been a visual being since birth. I don’t hear a voice in my head when I think. When I think, I see ASL signs in my head. Sometimes I see images or words. In other words, my “voice” is visual, not sound-based.
ITM: Are there some sounds that you would really like to know what they’re like?
MW: Not really. I don’t go around thinking or wishing I was hearing. I’m happy and comfortable with who I am.
When I think, I see ASL signs in my head.
ITM: What aspects of everyday life are different for you compared to life for the rest of us?
MW: I don’t own any radio or sound equipment such as stereo. All of the television sets in my house have the caption feature permanently turned on. The fire alarm in my house is a visual type. It will flash a strobe-like light if there’s a fire.
Everyone in my house is deaf and speaks ASL. Other than that, we live like the “rest of you” do. We cook, we clean, we play, we argue, we talk, and go about our daily lives like y’all do.
ITM: Now I feel embarrassed for differentiating “you” and “the rest of us”. Do people often label or judge you?
MW: It’s human nature to label, categorize, and judge. The danger is when people use labels, categories, or judgments to discriminate against certain people or to oppress certain people.
My culture and my language are often disrespected or disregarded daily. That has to stop because it’s wrong. They have existed for centuries, and I would like to be able to enjoy my life instead of spending my time and my energy defending my culture and my language. Deaf people have better things to do with our time, you know.
Michele Westfall, 47, grew up in Maryland, USA. She has a Bachelor’s degree in English and works as a writer/editor for a publishing company called ASL Rose. Her family is currently based in Austin, Texas.
ITM: You have two deaf kids. Is it genetic?
MW: Yes, it’s genetic for us. My kids and I have a recessive gene called connexin-26. We were born deaf, and we regard it in the same manner anyone would regard being born a blonde or being born brown-eyed. It’s just who we are and is a part of our identity.
Just so you know, there are 300-plus deaf-related genes, so it’s clear to me that we are meant to be here. I know some Deaf people who come from multi-generational Deaf lineage. We’re the “first generation” Deaf in our family.
ITM: What was it like when you grew up? Is it harder or easier for your kids?
MW: I was lucky. My parents are hearing, but they were advised to learn sign language and to send me to a school for the deaf. I had a great childhood because I was able to grow up with other Deaf children. I could talk with them, play with them, argue with them, and be on equal terms with them. I was part of the Deaf community – and still am.
I was able to participate in school activities such as acting in school plays, being editor of the school yearbook, and serving on the school student body government. I wasn’t seen as “different”.
In some ways my kids have it easier, because their parents are Deaf and native ASL speakers. From the start, they were celebrated as Deaf beings, since we were not sad that they were Deaf. We did not spend any time grieving or adjusting. We were able to focus on raising them and fully enjoy the process of seeing their development as Deaf beings.
ITM: Did it still come as a surprise, or did you know before they were born?
MW: Being culturally Deaf, we of course hoped for Deaf children. The day after giving birth to my older son, I noticed that he was the only baby in the hospital nursery who didn’t cry. All other babies were crying their heads off, but not my son. I knew at that moment he had to be Deaf and we were delighted.
Approximately a year later, we had our DNA’s checked, and we learned we had the connexin-26 gene, which meant that no matter how many times we got pregnant, we would always have Deaf children.
I come from a hearing family, and my ex only had three distant Deaf cousins, so we thought our chances of having Deaf children were something like a million to one.
I don’t own any radio or sound equipment.
ITM: Have you ever had to tell your kids to quiet down?
MW: Sure. I have hearing neighbors, after all.
ITM: How about to listen up, or to be louder?
MW: My kids are chatterboxes who ply me with questions and comments in ASL constantly, so they’re “loud” enough as it is. As for listening up…well, when they don’t get their way, they pout and close their eyes or turn their head away. The minute they close their eyes or turn their head away, they stop “listening”.
I simply tap them on their shoulder to get their attention and they know that’s when they have to listen to their Mom!
ITM: There’s a famous and quite emotional Youtube clip of a grown woman who, with the help of a machine, hears her husband for the first time. If it was possible for you, would you have liked to do the same to be able to hear your kids?
MW: No. Keep in mind, just hearing a sound is not the same as having full understanding of what it is. The grown woman in the Youtube clip heard her husband, yes. But does it mean that she would then suddenly become a full-fledged “hearing” person? No. That’s not going to happen. It doesn’t work that way.
It would send my children a clear message that I was not comfortable with myself.
The reality never lives up to the hype, and is not worth doing. Additionally, as a Deaf person who views myself as a culturally Deaf person, what message does it say to my children if I were to do this? It would send my children a clear message that I was not comfortable with myself as a Deaf person and that “being hearing is better”, when both messages are untrue.
I want my children to be comfortable with themselves and that’s the most important gift or message I can convey to them. I wouldn’t ever want them to feel that they had to change themselves just for the sake of meeting the standards of a non-deaf society.
ITM: How do people react when they realize you can’t hear them?
MW: I don’t hide who I am, so people know right away that I’m deaf. Most of them have been cool about it. That’s the majority of the curve, but as with any curve, there are extremes.
I once got on an elevator and there was this good-looking hearing guy standing next to me. He said something to me and I couldn’t understand him. I told him in ASL that I was Deaf, and his expression immediately changed. He then started to move away from me, as far as he could, within the confines of the elevator. I had to fight an urge to touch him and tell him that it was “catching”, as a joke.
Another example: My children and I once went into a restaurant in South Carolina and we were taken to our table. When our waiter came to take our order, we pointed to various items on the menu and he seemed to understand what we wanted. Our order came, and we realized the waiter had gotten it all wrong. It wasn’t even close.
We tried again to tell him what we wanted, and we realized that our waiter’s brain had frozen so completely that he couldn’t process what we were telling him. He had that deer-in-the-headlights look. We eventually gave up and ate our second order, which was also wrong.
Fortunately, we don’t run into these types of extremes that often.
ITM: It must be bizarre for you finding yourself in those situations. How should people handle meeting a deaf person? Any advice for them?
MW: It’s nothing to get all worked up about. Just stay cool and use paper and pen or text with your smart phone. If you happen to know some sign language, great. Using it will improve your fluency, and most Deaf people are usually happy to help you practice what you know.
ITM: Any advice for parents of deaf children?
MW: First of all, let me offer you congratulations on having your Deaf child! There is no need to be sad, upset, or to grieve. It’s not a tragedy. You’ve been given a unique opportunity to have access to a visual society populated by visual beings. Your Deaf child is a visual being and needs to have visual access to language in order to acquire a language.
To paraphrase a famous quote, if you expect a fish to ride a bicycle, it will grow up thinking it’s stupid. Don’t do that to your Deaf child. Start learning sign language and speak it with your child at all times. Make sure the entire family learns sign language, and seek Deaf role models or establish relationships with Deaf adults, as they’re the experts.
10 Tips From The Most Organized Woman On The Internet
When we get caught in an organizing conundrum, we often find ourselves asking "What would Jen Jones do?"
Jen is the creator of the super-helpful blog I Heart Organizing, and has given her readers an excellent education in smart storage and pretty home design. We asked her for her best get-it-done decluttering secrets, so you could recreate her organizing philosophy in your home.
1. Write down your intentions before you organize a space. Especially when you're tackling an entire room, you need a clear vision before you begin tossing and sorting. If you don't have one, your goals will get muddled midway through the project.
"I like to begin by writing down what my hang ups are about a space, and what problems I'd like to solve," Jen says. "I aim for three keys points I know I want to touch on, otherwise it's easy to get lost in the process."
By touching on your intentions at every point of indecision (Should I toss this old sweater? Should I put my calendar on this wall?), you can create a space that works well for you, and doesn't try to accomplish too much.
2. Don't cling to a system that doesn't work. For a while, Jen's white whale was an organized entryway. She tried shoe shelves in a hall closet, but it was too far from the door. Then she tried shoe baskets in the foyer, but they kept getting in the way. Instead of forcing a broken system on her family, Jen kept looking for another solution. Eventually, she found the perfect narrow shoe cabinet (from IKEA), which minimizes clutter and doesn't require her kids to carry their shoes down the hall.
Which brings Jen to her next point …
3. A system with too many steps won't work. "It took me a long time to figure this out, but if your process is too complex, it will fail," says Jen. So avoid the urge to place stuff in dividers, which are in boxes that are hidden in drawers that are all the way in the basement … you see our point.
4. Sometimes you need a better process, not another storage bin. "I could have a laundry room system that involves several sorting baskets, but they'd take up so much space," says Jones. Instead, she's worked out a daily laundry routine that minimizes big loads and takes a forgiving "good enough" attitude toward endless sorting.
5. Organizing isn't expensive — clutter is. "I hear all the time from people that they think organizing is too pricey," Jen says. "But really, the act of organizing is free (old shoeboxes are often my favorite for storage), and you can even make money doing it. Are you spending cash on a storage space to keep things you never look at? Or is your cluttered system costing you valuable time everyday? Think about it, and you might be surprised."
6. In a small space, go vertical. "Bookcases are my favorite pieces of furniture for organizing," Jen says. We agree — their height offers up a ton of storage where there was once just a blank wall, and wide shelves are helpful for holding everything from clothes to bins to, well, books.
7. Don't forget about the backs of doors. "Backs of cabinets and doors are a great place to get creative," says Jen. Add a hook or a basket to gain instant (and often hidden!) storage space.
8. Clear out an entire space before you do a big organizing overhaul. "I always start with a blank slate," Jen says. "It just feels better to start fresh, and it forces you to be very selective about what gets put back into the room or drawer."
9. Make your bins and boxes look pretty. "I cover boxes with contact paper in pretty patterns for a few reasons," says Jen. "First, decorative element acts as extra motivation for staying organized. And I also want my home to have a cohesive, lived-in feel. I want everything to make me happy."
10. Tackle problems that influence your daily life first. "Our cluttered storage room is a thorn in my side, but because it doesn't really affect my everyday routine, I chose to organize other spaces first," Jen says. "Think about what's eating up most of your energy, and focus on finding those solutions."
