Friday, July 31, 2015

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

~by Amy Morin, LCSW


13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do
Mentally strong people have healthy habits. They manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that set them up for success in life. Check out these things that mentally strong people don’t do so that you too can become more mentally strong.

1. They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves

Mentally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.

2. They Don’t Give Away Their Power

They don’t allow others to control them, and they don’t give someone else power over them. They don’t say things like, “My boss makes me feel bad,” because they understand that they are in control over their own emotions and they have a choice in how they respond.

3. They Don’t Shy Away from Change

Mentally strong people don’t try to avoid change. Instead, they welcome positive change and are willing to be flexible. They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.

4. They Don’t Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control

You won’t hear a mentally strong person complaining over lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives. They recognize that sometimes, the only thing they can control is their attitude.

5. They Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone
Mentally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time. They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary. They strive to be kind and fair, but can handle other people being upset if they didn’t make them happy.

6. They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks

They don’t take reckless or foolish risks, but don’t mind taking calculated risks. Mentally strong people spend time weighing the risks and benefits before making a big decision, and they’re fully informed of the potential downsides before they take action.

7. They Don’t Dwell on the Past

Mentally strong people don’t waste time dwelling on the past and wishing things could be different. They acknowledge their past and can say what they’ve learned from it. However, they don’t constantly relive bad experiences or fantasize about the glory days. Instead, they live for the present and plan for the future.

8. They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over

They accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes. As a result, they don’t keep repeating those mistakes over and over. Instead, they move on and make better decisions in the future.

9. They Don’t Resent Other People’s Success

Mentally strong people can appreciate and celebrate other people’s success in life. They don’t grow jealous or feel cheated when others surpass them. Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.

10. They Don’t Give Up After the First Failure

They don’t view failure as a reason to give up. Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve. They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.

11. They Don’t Fear Alone Time

Mentally strong people can tolerate being alone and they don’t fear silence. They aren’t afraid to be alone with their thoughts and they can use downtime to be productive. They enjoy their own company and aren’t dependent on others for companionship and entertainment all the time but instead can be happy alone.

12. They Don’t Feel the World Owes Them Anything

They don’t feel entitled to things in life. They weren’t born with a mentality that others would take care of them or that the world must give them something. Instead, they look for opportunities based on their own merits.

13. They Don’t Expect Immediate Results

Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, mentally strong people don’t expect immediate results. Instead, they apply their skills and time to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.

Click here for a printable version of the “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do”


13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do



  • Read 5 Powerful Exercises To Increase Your Mental Strength

  • Get my new book: 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do:
    Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success


  • Sent from my iPhone

    13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

    13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

    ~by Amy Morin, LCSW


    13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do
    Mentally strong people have healthy habits. They manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that set them up for success in life. Check out these things that mentally strong people don’t do so that you too can become more mentally strong.

    1. They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves

    Mentally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.

    2. They Don’t Give Away Their Power

    They don’t allow others to control them, and they don’t give someone else power over them. They don’t say things like, “My boss makes me feel bad,” because they understand that they are in control over their own emotions and they have a choice in how they respond.

    3. They Don’t Shy Away from Change

    Mentally strong people don’t try to avoid change. Instead, they welcome positive change and are willing to be flexible. They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.

    4. They Don’t Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control

    You won’t hear a mentally strong person complaining over lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives. They recognize that sometimes, the only thing they can control is their attitude.

    5. They Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone
    Mentally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time. They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary. They strive to be kind and fair, but can handle other people being upset if they didn’t make them happy.

    6. They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks

    They don’t take reckless or foolish risks, but don’t mind taking calculated risks. Mentally strong people spend time weighing the risks and benefits before making a big decision, and they’re fully informed of the potential downsides before they take action.

    7. They Don’t Dwell on the Past

    Mentally strong people don’t waste time dwelling on the past and wishing things could be different. They acknowledge their past and can say what they’ve learned from it. However, they don’t constantly relive bad experiences or fantasize about the glory days. Instead, they live for the present and plan for the future.

    8. They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over

    They accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes. As a result, they don’t keep repeating those mistakes over and over. Instead, they move on and make better decisions in the future.

    9. They Don’t Resent Other People’s Success

    Mentally strong people can appreciate and celebrate other people’s success in life. They don’t grow jealous or feel cheated when others surpass them. Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.

    10. They Don’t Give Up After the First Failure

    They don’t view failure as a reason to give up. Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve. They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.

    11. They Don’t Fear Alone Time

    Mentally strong people can tolerate being alone and they don’t fear silence. They aren’t afraid to be alone with their thoughts and they can use downtime to be productive. They enjoy their own company and aren’t dependent on others for companionship and entertainment all the time but instead can be happy alone.

    12. They Don’t Feel the World Owes Them Anything

    They don’t feel entitled to things in life. They weren’t born with a mentality that others would take care of them or that the world must give them something. Instead, they look for opportunities based on their own merits.

    13. They Don’t Expect Immediate Results

    Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, mentally strong people don’t expect immediate results. Instead, they apply their skills and time to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.

    Click here for a printable version of the “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do”


    13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do



  • Read 5 Powerful Exercises To Increase Your Mental Strength

  • Get my new book: 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do:
    Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success


  • Sent from my iPhone

    Sunday, July 19, 2015

    17 Simple Habits That Make You Look More Professional

    17 Simple Habits That Make You Look More Professional

    (A quick note before we get started. I wrote the following in response to reader feedback to another column: 10 Bad Habits That Make You Look Really Unprofessional. This post is the counterpoint to that one.)

    Here's a story from about 15 years ago. I was traveling from Seattle to Yakima for work, flying in a tiny commercial turboprop. There were only about 10 or 12 passengers, and the cockpit was separated by a curtain, rather than a door. We flew through the Cascade mountains in really rough weather, and the captain--a young pilot in his early 20s--pulled the curtain aside.

    "The tower is saying it's our choice to continue to Yakima or turn around," he yelled over the din of the engines, "But I think we're gonna give it a try."

    What’s wrong with this picture, right? "I think" and "Give it a try" are pretty much the last things you want to hear a commercial airline pilot say, especially in a bad storm. My fellow passengers nearly revolted. The pilot quickly changed course (both literally and figuratively), and we flew back to Seattle.

    I've told that story a few times over the years, usually for laughs But remember: It wasn't really the storm, or the tiny plane, or air traffic control's apparent laissez-fair attitude that freaked us passengers out. It's that the pilot's attitude made him seem totally unprofessional--and we all lost confidence in him.

    Here are a few of the attributes you can demonstrate to make yourself seem more professional. I’m not saying they’re easy, but they are pretty simple. (Keep in mind though--even nobody demonstrates them all constantly. You’re only human. Just try to be the best human you can.)

    1. Confidence

    This was the biggest problem with the pilot's performance that day. Confidence without the ability to back it up is useless, but if you’re truly competent, own it.

    2. Candor

    Clearly--don't be dishonest. Beyond that however, truly professional people are forthright. They assess the situation, calculate the risks, and offer a truthful opinion.

    3. Self-awareness

    This is a part of displaying confidence--knowing who you are and where you fit in the world, and owning your strengths and weaknesses. Then, work to buttress the things you don't do as well.

    4. Strategic thinking

    One of the basic tenets of success is to start with the end in mind. Truly professional people identify their goals, and work backward to achieve them.

    5. Anticipation

    Be like Radar O'Reilly. Wait, you probably don't get that reference, because most people reading this probably weren't watching the television show M*A*S*H in the 1980s. (See? Self-awareness.) No problem. Just know that focusing on others' needs to the point that you can anticipate their challenges and solutions breeds confidence.

    6. Caring

    Related to anticipation: You can't truly help others unless you can be bothered to learn about their goals and fears.

    7. Realism

    "Promise me the world," the song goes. That may be a way to get the boy or girl of your dreams to pay attention, but it does nothing to make you look professional. Instead, promise the most you can, consistent with your ability to deliver.

    8. Follow-through

    See what I mean? These attributes are simple but not necessarily easy. Say you'll do something; then do it.

    9. Enthusiasm

    This one is inspired by reader comments, when I said Pollyannaishness was unprofessional. Smart enthusiasm, on the other hand, is a very positive quality. Colin Powell put it best: Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.

    10. Diligence

    This is related to follow-through, but it's not exactly the same thing. Be persistent, demonstrate worth ethic, and "check small things." (That’s another Powellism, come to think of it.)

    11. Performance

    Nothing says "professional" like accomplishments, especially repeated accomplishments over time.

    12. Discretion

    Caring and self-awareness, combined with good communications ability, leads to prudence and the ability to be candid without giving offense.

    13. Curiosity

    No professional is ever finished learning. ‘Nuff said.

    14. Risk-taking

    I hesitated to put this on here, out of fear of giving the wrong impression. Risk-taking doesn't mean being risky in the negative sense. Instead it’s about the realization that all courses of action involve some risk, and balancing that realization against the paralyzation of inaction.

    15. Humor

    You don’t need to be hilarious, but you need a sense of humor; it demonstrates perspective.

    16. Fitness

    This is unfortunate but true. If someone looks as if he or she doesn’t care about their health, it’s a lot harder to project professionalism--and with it, the notion that they care about other things.

    17. Authenticity

    It’s good entrepreneurial advice to “fake it ’til you make it,” but your performance needs to be grounded in truth. Otherwise, no matter your skills, your deficits, your interests--or frankly even the things you aren’t interested in--people can tell.



    Sent from my iPhone

    Saturday, July 11, 2015

    6 amazing images of Ireland in summer

    6 amazing images of Ireland in summer

    Inisheer (Inis Oírr), Aran Islands     
    Inisheer (Inis Oírr), Aran Islands

    1. Inisheer/Inis Oírr (Aran Islands, County Galway)

    Meet Inisheer, a bastion of the Irish language (each summer, thousands of children and teenagers make their way here from all over Ireland to perfect their language skills) and the smallest of the three Aran Islands. But as we all know, good things come in small packages.

    A beach to rival those in the tropics and a paean to the art of stone wall architecture, this is an island with character. The now sunken church (once established by St Caomhán, elder brother to Glendalough’s St Kevin) and the rusting Plassey shipwreck add intrigue.

    Glenariff, County Antrim (Credit: Shutterstock)     
    Glenariff, County Antrim (Credit: Shutterstock)

    2. Glens of Antrim (County Antrim)

    Imagine a deep green coastal vale with forest parks, waterfalls and riverside paths. Now multiply that by nine. Famed in song and story, the Glens of Antrim are nine verdant valleys on the Causeway Coastal Route, complete with individual names and local lore.

    Highlights include views across to Scotland, the Heart of the Glens Festival (August) in Cushendall, hillwalking trails and the fuchsia and honey-suckle that bloom in summer.

    Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling From glen to glen, and down the mountain side. The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying 'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.

    Danny Boy, a popular ballad written by Frederic Weatherly
    Slieve League Cliffs, County Donegal      
    Slieve League Cliffs, County Donegal 

    3. Slieve League Cliffs (County Donegal)

    If there’s a more humbling sight than the Slieve League Cliffs during the golden hour, we haven’t seen it. At almost three times the height of the Cliffs of Moher in County Clare (a staggering 609m or 1,998 feet) these sheer outcrops are among the highest sea cliffs in Europe.

    Early morning or late evening is when the cliffs – and local seabirds – are at their most photogenic.

    Harry Avery's Castle, County Tyrone     
    Harry Avery's Castle, County Tyrone

    4. Harry Avery Castle (County Tyrone)

    Hunting for ancient castles in Ireland? Here’s another for your list. Built almost 700 years ago, historians consider the building more tower house than full-on castle in style but that doesn’t diminish its impact.

    Sitting on an artificially heightened mound among rolling Tyrone hillside, the pile is thought to have been built by a Gaelic chieftan, while the name is believed to derive from an anglicised version of Henry Aimbreidh O'Neill, hence, Harry Avery. We hope the original architects were fortunate enough to admire it in similarly sunny conditions as above.

    Lough McNean, Fermanagh Lakelands     
    Lough McNean, Fermanagh Lakelands

    5. The Fermanagh Lakelands (County Fermanagh)

    What makes Fermanagh such a summer hotspot? It could be the Palladian mansions, stately estates and crumbling ruins sewn into the landscape. Or perhaps it’s natural curiosities like the subterranean Marble Arch Caves Geopark or the Cuilcagh Mountain, where the River Shannon rises.

    We think it’s the region’s stunning lakelands: 700km of rivers, canals, islands and lakes, all waiting to be Instagrammed.

    Howth Head, County Dublin      
    Howth Head, County Dublin 

    6. Howth (County Dublin)

    What do Oscar-nominated actress Saoirse Ronan, Booker Prize-winning author John Banville and U2 drummer Larry Mullen have in common? They all live in Howth, a fishing village in Dublin that’s as pretty as a postcard come summer.

    It’s become something of a hotspot for city-breaks, whether hiking the coast at Howth Head (as seen above under a pink evening sunset), scuba diving in the Irish Sea or taking a stroll in the historic harbor with a traditional fish and chips in hand.

    We Recommend 



    Sent from my iPhone

    Tuesday, July 7, 2015

    What If Everything You Knew About Disciplining Kids Was Wrong?

    Self-Control has been discovered! It's the  21st Century and acclaim is being given to academia for "discovering" the value of "self" control. Maybe next they will discover the value of prayer and Bible reading in schools. Progressive they are not!!!

    What If Everything You Knew About Disciplining Kids Was Wrong?

    Nina D'Aran, Principal of Central School in South Berwick, Maine 

    Nina D'Aran, the principal of Central School in South Berwick, Maine, has implemented many of Dr. Ross Greene's methods and philosophy along with her staff. Tristan Spinski/GRAIN
     

    Leigh Robinson was out for a lunchtime walk one brisk day during the spring of 2013 when a call came from the principal at her school. Will, a third-grader with a history of acting up in class, was flipping out on the playground. He'd taken off his belt and was flailing it around and grunting. The recess staff was worried he might hurt someone. Robinson, who was Will's educational aide, raced back to the schoolyard.

    Will was "that kid." Every school has a few of them: that kid who's always getting into trouble, if not causing it. That kid who can't stay in his seat and has angry outbursts and can make a teacher's life hell. That kid the other kids blame for a recess tussle. Will knew he was that kid too. Ever since first grade, he'd been coming to school anxious, defensive, and braced for the next confrontation with a classmate or teacher.

    The expression "school-to-prison pipeline" was coined to describe how America's public schools fail kids like Will. A first-grader whose unruly behavior goes uncorrected can become the fifth-grader with multiple suspensions, the eighth-grader who self-medicates, the high school dropout, and the 17-year-old convict. Yet even though today's teachers are trained to be sensitive to "social-emotional development" and schools are committed to mainstreaming children with cognitive or developmental issues into regular classrooms, those advances in psychology often go out the window once a difficult kid starts acting out. Teachers and administrators still rely overwhelmingly on outdated systems of reward and punishment, using everything from red-yellow-green cards, behavior charts, and prizes to suspensions and expulsions.

    How we deal with the most challenging kids remains rooted in B.F. Skinner's mid-20th-century philosophy that human behavior is determined by consequences and bad behavior must be punished. (Pavlov figured it out first, with dogs.) During the 2011-12 school year, the US Department of Education counted 130,000 expulsions and roughly 7 million suspensions among 49 million K-12 students—one for every seven kids. The most recent estimates suggest there are also a quarter-million instances of corporal punishment in US schools every year.

    But consequences have consequences. Contemporary psychological studies suggest that, far from resolving children's behavior problems, these standard disciplinary methods often exacerbate them. They sacrifice long-term goals (student behavior improving for good) for short-term gain—momentary peace in the classroom.

    Teachers who aim to control students' behavior—rather than helping them control it themselves—undermine the very elements that are essential for motivation: autonomy, a sense of competence, and a capacity to relate to others.

    University of Rochester psychologist Ed Deci, for example, found that teachers who aim to control students' behavior—rather than helping them control it themselves—undermine the very elements that are essential for motivation: autonomy, a sense of competence, and a capacity to relate to others. This, in turn, means they have a harder time learning self-control, an essential skill for long-term success. Stanford University's Carol Dweck, a developmental and social psychologist, has demonstrated that even rewards—gold stars and the like—can erode children's motivation and performance by shifting the focus to what the teacher thinks, rather than the intrinsic rewards of learning.

    In a 2011 study that tracked nearly 1 million schoolchildren over six years, researchers at Texas A&M University found that kids suspended or expelled for minor offenses—from small-time scuffles to using phones or making out—were three times as likely as their peers to have contact with the juvenile justice system within a year of the punishment. (Black kids were 31 percent more likely than white or Latino kids to be punished for similar rule violations.) Kids with diagnosed behavior problems such as oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and reactive attachment disorder—in which very young children, often as a result of trauma, are unable to relate appropriately to others—were the most likely to be disciplined.

    Which begs the question: Does it make sense to impose the harshest treatments on the most challenging kids? And are we treating chronically misbehaving children as though they don't want to behave, when in many cases they simply can't?

    First day of school in South Berwich, Maine. 

    D'Aran makes her rounds at the start of the first day of school. Tristan Spinski/GRAIN
     

    That might sound like the kind of question your mom dismissed as making excuses. But it's actually at the core of some remarkable research that is starting to revolutionize discipline from juvenile jails to elementary schools. Psychologist Ross Greene, who has taught at Harvard and Virginia Tech, has developed a near cult following among parents and educators who deal with challenging children. What Richard Ferber's sleep-training method meant to parents desperate for an easy bedtime, Greene's disciplinary method has been for parents of kids with behavior problems, who often pass around copies of his books, The Explosive Child and Lost at School, as though they were holy writ.

    His model was honed in children's psychiatric clinics and battle-tested in state juvenile facilities, and in 2006 it formally made its way into a smattering of public and private schools. The results thus far have been dramatic, with schools reporting drops as great as 80 percent in disciplinary referrals, suspensions, and incidents of peer aggression. "We know if we keep doing what isn't working for those kids, we lose them," Greene told me. "Eventually there's this whole population of kids we refer to as overcorrected, overdirected, and overpunished. Anyone who works with kids who are behaviorally challenging knows these kids: They've habituated to punishment."

    "We know if we keep doing what isn't working for those kids, we lose them… Anyone who works with kids who are behaviorally challenging knows these kids: They've habituated to punishment."

    Under Greene's philosophy, you'd no more punish a child for yelling out in class or jumping out of his seat repeatedly than you would if he bombed a spelling test. You'd talk with the kid to figure out the reasons for the outburst (was he worried he would forget what he wanted to say?), then brainstorm alternative strategies for the next time he felt that way. The goal is to get to the root of the problem, not to discipline a kid for the way his brain is wired.

    "This approach really captures a couple of the main themes that are appearing in the literature with increasing frequency," says Russell Skiba, a psychology professor and director of the Equity Project at Indiana University. He explains that focusing on problem solving instead of punishment is now seen as key to successful discipline.

    If Greene's approach is correct, then the educators who continue to argue over the appropriate balance of incentives and consequences may be debating the wrong thing entirely. After all, what good does it do to punish a child who literally hasn't yet acquired the brain functions required to control his behavior?

     

    June Arbelo, a second-grade teacher at Central School, comforts a student who wants to go home during the first day of school. Tristan Spinski/GRAIN


    Will was still wielding the belt when Leigh Robinson arrived, winded, at the Central School playground. A tall, lean woman who keeps her long brown hair tied back in a ponytail, she conveys a sense of unhurried comfort. Central, which goes from pre-kindergarten through third grade, is one of a few hundred schools around the country giving Greene's approach a test run—in this case with help from a $10,000 state anti-delinquency grant.

    Will, who started first grade the year Central began implementing Greene's program (known as Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, or CPS), was an active kid, bright and articulate, who loved to play outside. But he also struggled, far more than the typical six-year-old, to stay in his seat—or in the room. When he couldn't find words for what was bothering him, he might swing his hands at classmates or resort to grunting and moaning and rolling on the floor. A psychologist diagnosed him with a nonverbal learning disorder, a condition that makes it hard to adapt to new situations, transition between settings, interpret social cues, and orient yourself in space and time. At the beginning of second grade, Central designated Robinson as his aide.

    Out on the playground, she approached the boy reassuringly, like a trained hostage negotiator. "Do whatever you need with the belt," she told him gently. "Just keep it away from people." Slowly, Will began to calm down. They walked over to some woods near the school, and she let him throw rocks into a stream, scream, and yell until, at last, he burst into tears in her arms. Then they talked and came up with a plan. The next time he felt frustrated or overwhelmed, Will would tell another staffer that he needed his helper. If Robinson were off campus, they would get her on the phone for him.

    A few years earlier, staffers at Central might have responded differently, sending Will to the office or docking his recess time. In a more typical school, a kid who seems to be threatening others might be physically restrained, segregated into a special-ed room, or sent home for the day. Children with learning and behavior disabilities are suspended at about twice the rate of their peers and incarcerated at nearly three times the rate of the overall youth population, government data shows. Will, like most of Central's student body, is white, but for black kids with disabilities the suspension rate is 25 percent—more than 1 in 4 African American boys and 1 in 5 African American girls with disabilities will be suspended in a given school year.

    Before Greene's program was put in place, conventional discipline at Central was the norm. During the 2009-10 school year, kids were referred to the principal's office for discipline 146 times, and two were suspended. Two years later, the number of referrals was down to 45, with zero suspensions, all thanks to focusing more on "meeting the child's needs and solving problems instead of controlling behavior," principal Nina D'Aran told me. "That's a big shift."

    The CPS method hinges on training school (or prison or psych clinic) staff to nurture strong relationships—especially with the most disruptive kids—and to give kids a central role in solving their own problems. For instance, a teacher might see a challenging child dawdling on a worksheet and assume he's being defiant, when in fact the kid is just hungry. A snack solves the problem. Before CPS, "we spent a lot of time trying to diagnose children by talking to each other," D'Aran says. "Now we're talking to the child and really believing the child when they say what the problems are."

    Before CPS, "we spent a lot of time trying to diagnose children by talking to each other," D'Aran says. "Now we're talking to the child and really believing the child when they say what the problems are."

    The next step is to identify each student's challenges—transitioning from recess to class, keeping his hands to himself, sitting with the group—and tackle them one at a time. For example, a child might act out because he felt that too many people were "looking at him in the circle." The solution? "He might come up with the idea of sitting in the back of the room and listening," D'Aran says. The teachers and the student would come up with a plan to slowly get him more involved.

    This all requires a dramatic change in mindset and workflow. Central School diverted building improvement funds to divide one classroom into two spaces. One side was called the "Learning Center"—a quiet spot for kids to take a break, maybe have a snack, and problem solve before going back into the classroom. The other area became a resource room. The school also committed to 20 weeks of teacher training, with an hour of coaching each week from Greene's trainer via Skype.

    Will's breakthrough session happened in first grade, after several failed attempts, when D'Aran, then a guidance counselor, and his teacher sat down with him. He'd been refusing to participate in writing lessons with his classmates. Over 45 minutes, they coaxed Will through the initial moans and "I don't knows" and finally landed on a solution: Will said if he could use lined paper that also had a space to draw a picture, it would be easier to get started writing. Before long, he was tackling writing assignments without a problem.

     

    Psychologist Ross Green offers a radically different approach to fixing kids' behavior. Tristan Spinski/GRAIN

    Greene, 57, has curly brown hair, glasses, and the habit of speaking in complete paragraphs, as though he's lecturing a psychology class instead of having a conversation. At the annual conference of Lives in the Balance, the nonprofit he founded to promote his method and advocate for behaviorally challenging kids, I watched him address a crowd of around 500 teachers, psychologists, and other professionals. His baby face and tweedy blazer called to mind a high school social-studies teacher, but he worked up a full head of steam as he spoke of millions of kids being medicated and punished for misbehavior.

    The children at risk of falling into the school-to-prison pipeline, Greene says, include not only the 5.2 million with ADHD, the 5 million with a learning disability, and the 2.2 million with anxiety disorders, but also the 16 million who have experienced repeated trauma or abuse, the 1.4 million with depression, the 1.2 million on the autism spectrum, and the 1.2 million who are homeless. "Behaviorally challenging kids are still poorly understood and are still being treated in ways that are adversarial, reactive, punitive, unilateral, ineffective, counterproductive," he told the audience. "Not only are we not helping, we are going about doing things in ways that make things worse. Then what you have to show for it is a whole lot of alienated, hopeless, sometimes aggressive, sometimes violent kids."

    Greene was trained in behavior modification techniques—a.k.a. the Skinner method—as are most people who work with families and children. But in his early clinical work as a Virginia Tech graduate student, he began to question the approach. He'd get parents to use consequences and rewards, but the families kept struggling mightily with the basics—from dressing to chores and bedtimes. To Greene, it felt like he was treating the symptoms while ignoring the disease.

    Around the same time, he learned about new brain research by neuroscientists who were looking at brain functions with powerful fMRI machines. They found that the prefrontal cortex of our brains was instrumental in managing what is called executive function—our capacity to control impulses, prioritize tasks, and organize plans. Other research suggested that the prefrontal cortexes of aggressive children actually hadn't developed, or were developing more slowly, so that they simply did not yet have brains capable of helping them regulate their behavior.

    But brains are changeable. Learning and repeated experiences can actually alter the physical structure of the brain, creating new neuronal pathways. Nobel laureate Eric Kandel found that memory may be stored in the synapses of our nervous system. He won the Nobel Prize in 2000 for studying the Aplysia, a very simple sea slug, and discovering that when it "learned" something, like fear, it created new neurons.

    The implications of this new wave of science for teachers are profound: Children can actually reshape their brains when they learn and practice skills. What's more, Dweck and other researchers demonstrated that when students are told this is so, both their motivation and achievement levels leap forward. "It was all sitting there waiting to be woven together," Greene says. He began coaching parents to focus on building up their children's problem-solving skills. It seemed to work.

    By the early 1990s, Greene had earned his Ph.D. in clinical psychology. He moved to Massachusetts, where he began teaching at Harvard Medical School and directing the cognitive-behavioral psychology program at Massachusetts General Hospital. He also began testing his new approach in children's psychiatric clinics that had previously used Skinneresque methods. In 2001, Cambridge Health Alliance, a Boston-area hospital group, implemented CPS, and reports that within a year, its use of physical and chemical restraints (like clonidine, which is a powerful sedative) in young patients dropped from 20 cases per month to zero. A subsequent five-year clinical trial at Virginia Tech involving 134 children aged 7 to 14 validated the method as an effective way to treat kids with oppositional defiant disorder.

    By 2001, when The Explosive Child came out in paperback, Greene had become a sought-after speaker, even appearing on Oprah. The first peer-reviewed paper in a scientific journal validating the effectiveness of his model appeared in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, and that led to even more invitations to speak at teaching hospitals and other facilities.

     

    A child draws at Central School. Tristan Spinksi/GRAIN
     

    In 2004, a psychologist from Long Creek Youth Development Center, a correctional center in South Portland, Maine, attended one of Greene's workshops in Portland and got his bosses to let him try CPS. Rodney Bouffard, then superintendent at the facility, remembers that some guards resisted at first, complaining about "that G-D-hugs-and-kisses approach." It wasn't hard to see why: Instead of restraining and isolating a kid who, say, flipped over a desk, staffers were now expected to talk with him about his frustrations. The staff began to ignore curses dropped in a classroom and would speak to the kid later, in private, so as not to challenge him in front of his peers.

    But remarkably, the relationships changed. Kids began to see the staff as their allies, and the staff no longer felt like their adversaries. The violent outbursts waned. There were fewer disciplinary write-ups and fewer injuries to kids or staff. And once they got out, the kids were far better at not getting locked up again: Long Creek's one-year recidivism rate plummeted from 75 percent in 1999 to 33 percent in 2012. "The senior staff that resisted us the most," Bouffard told me, "would come back to me and say, 'I wish we had done this sooner. I don't have the bruises, my muscles aren't strained from wrestling, and I really feel I accomplished something.'"

    "Is giving him a consequence—suspending him, calling his grandparents—is that going to teach him not to throw chairs?" she asks. "When you start doing all these consequences, they're going to dig their heels in even deeper, and nobody is going to win."

    Maine's second juvenile detention facility, Mountain View, also adopted Greene's method, with similar results. Incidents that resulted in injury, confinement, or restraint dropped nearly two-thirds between April 2004 and April 2008.
     

    Like the Long creek guards, staffers at Central were skeptical at first. When an enraged second-grader threw a chair at educational technician Susan Forsley one day, her first instinct was to not let him "get away with it." But she swallowed her pride and left the room until the boy calmed down. Later, she sat down with him and Principal D'Aran, and they resolved that if he felt himself getting angry like that again, he would head for the guidance office, where he'd sit with stuffed animals or a favorite book to calm down. Forsley eventually learned to read his emotions and head off problems by suggesting he take a break. "Is giving him a consequence—suspending him, calling his grandparents—is that going to teach him not to throw chairs?" she asks. "When you start doing all these consequences, they're going to dig their heels in even deeper, and nobody is going to win."

    Will had graduated from Central and outgrown most of his baby fat when I arrived for breakfast at his home one Saturday morning. As he and his brothers helped prepare apple pancakes and fruit salad, he took a break to show me "Antlandia," a board game he created to showcase his knowledge of insects. Now in fifth grade, he'd made friends at his new school and was proudly riding the bus—something he couldn't handle before.

    Between bites, Will consented to describe his experiences with the teachers and staff at Central School. "When they notice a kid that's angry, they try to help. They ask what's bothering them," he said, spiky brown bangs covering his eyebrows as he looked down at his plate. His mom, Rachel Wakefield, told me later that CPS had trained Will to be able to talk about frustrating situations and advocate for himself. Now, she said, he actually had an easier time of it than his big brother. "It's a really important skill as they enter into adolescence," she said.

    From Greene's perspective, that's the big win—not just to fix kids' behavior problems, but to set them up for success on their own. Too many educators, he believes, fixate on a child's problems outside of school walls—a turbulent home, a violent neighborhood—rather than focus on the difference the school can make. "Whatever he's going home to, you can do the kid a heck of a lot of good six hours a day, five days a week, nine months a year," Greene says. "We tie our hands behind our backs when we focus primarily on things about which we can do nothing."



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    Sunday, July 5, 2015

    TIPS FOR CHRISTIANS: HOW TO SHARE GOSPEL IN HOSTILE AGE

    TIPS FOR CHRISTIANS: HOW TO SHARE GOSPEL IN HOSTILE AGE

    JesusCross

    In the face of a U.S. Supreme Court decision finding a constitutional right to gay marriage and the Oklahoma State Supreme ruling a Ten Commandments monument unconstitutional, many Christians are experiencing increased intolerance in the public square. But does the increasingly secular culture mean believers need to adjust how they share the gospel?

    “Yes, I mean, and no,” said Tim Keller, founding pastor at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City. “No in that you don’t change the good news, but, yes, it does I think change the way you share it.”

    Keller is the author of several well-known Christian books, including “Counterfeit Gods” and “The Reason for God.” His new book is “Preaching: Communicating Faith in an Age of Skepticism.” Keller said people frequently alter their method of communicating with other people based on what they know about them, and sharing Christ is no different.

    “If I’m talking to somebody who’s skeptical or somebody who’s sympathetic, I change the way I talk,” Keller explained. “We’re that way with everyone. Hopefully, if you know how to communicate, you instinctively say things differently when you’re trying to bridge a barrier. Now that we live in a more secular society, we’re going to have to change the way we communicate the gospel.”

    According to Keller, a key step to engaging this generation is to be able to explain your personal relationship with Christ through His word.

    “The gospel has to be real to you,” he said. “It has to have really changed your life. It can’t just be something you’ve adopted because you inherited it. If you simply say, ‘Well, this is the truth,’ people aren’t going to listen. Instead, you have to say, ‘Here’s how it works. Here’s how it functions in my heart, how it functions in my life.’ There’s got to be authenticity, and you’ve got to make it life-related. Otherwise, people won’t listen.”

    Listen to the WND/Radio America interview with Tim Keller:

    Keller said authenticity is critical to the millennial generation, although he said young people are often quite hypocritical on this issue.

    “Millennials are very high on authenticity,” he said. “They’re often self-righteous about it. I’m not sure that they’re any less self-righteous or any more tolerant than their grandparents, or parents or great-grandparents. What’s funny about the millennials is, like every other generation, whatever they value they’re self-righteous about it. ‘We have it and nobody else does.’ And then they look down their noses and so they’re no better.”

    That being said, Keller said authenticity needs to be at the core of our witness.

    “Paul says, ‘We didn’t just preach the gospel, but we shared our very hearts with you (1 Thessalonians 2:8).’ Therefore, you really do have to do that and it’s never been more important,” he said.

    Keller is very quick to assert that engagement is meaningless unless the truth and significance of Christ’s life, death and resurrection is conveyed. He said many clergy fail to be clear, and it leads people down a road of false assurance of their salvation.

    “If you don’t do that, people just assume in their heart what you might call moralism,” Keller said.

    “So if you’re preaching on Malachi, where it talks about tithing and giving your money away and not spending it all on yourself – Jesus is not in the book of Malachi. It’s an Old Testament book – if you just explain that and then you end the sermon, the impression will be that I’d better give my money away or God’s not going to take me to heaven,” said Keller, calling that thinking “deadly.”

    “You don’t want to encourage people to think that it’s their moral efforts that can get them to heaven,” he said. “That creates pride and discouragement.”

    Keller said every Bible passage can be logically connected to the gospel, and he said the Malachi example is no exception.

    “You have to go to the gospel,” he said. “You say Jesus Christ was infinitely rich. He was in heaven with all the spiritual riches. But He became poor so that through His poverty, we might become rich. He came to earth, became immortal, He died on the cross. And He didn’t just tithe. He didn’t just give 10 percent. He gave everything.

    “When you do that, you’re not only giving people an inspiring motivation, but you’re reminding people that you’re not saved through your giving of money. You’re saved through Jesus.”

    Keller said all preachers, ordained or not, need to keep the gospel at the center of their messages.

    “It’s not something a lot of preachers do, but it’s something they need to learn to do,” he said.



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